The 10 Worst Things about Lasik
1. The actual surgery was like a flashback from Clockwork Orange.
2. Did I mention that I smelled my own corneas burning?
3. I haven't been able to write for three days.
4. I had to spend an entire day in bed, asleep.
5. Then I had to spend two more days not driving, being fed and coddled, and napping constantly.
6. My eyelashes got all stuck together last night while I was asleep, and I woke up at 4am and couldn't open my eyes, and I dreamed I was that chick from Aeon Flux, but I couldn't chase the plasticky German scientist because my superhero eyelashes were malfunctioning.
7. I keep finding myself standing in front of my contact lens case, feeling confused.
8. I have an entire box of unopened contacts left over. THEY DON'T REIMBURSE FOR THAT, YOU KNOW.
9. I can't wear eye makeup for a week.
10. The world has now seen what I look like in a poofy blue hat and funny sunglasses.
Oh, wait. There are really on 3 bad things on that list, aren't there?
I guess that leads us into the...
TOP 10 AWESOME THINGS ABOUT LASIK
1. Numbers 4 through 7 above.
2. I CAN SEE.
3. No, really. I can see. I can see all over the place. I can read the alarm clock. I can read the drawings on the fridge. I can drive without blurry bits in my peripheral vision. I'll be able to scuba dive and swim and ride horses, all while SEEING.
4. I CAN SEE.
5. I CAN SEE SO GOOD, Y'ALL, OMIGAH. 20/15 vision.
6. There's still a little bit of blurriness around light, and it feels all religious and glowy, like someone should be singing a chorus in the background whenever I gaze out a window.
7. Now I can write again. I just have to blink a lot and put in eye drops.
8. Next time I go on a plane, I won't have to wear my glasses and then lose them and find them and get off the plane and put in my contacts in the airport bathroom before I meet people. So I should probably go on a nice trip soon to test that out.
9. I CAN SEE.
10. For the first time since third grade, I feel that I'll actually have a chance when the zombiepocalypse comes. Well, except for in regards to my thyroid, but whatever. I'll get a lot of exercise, running from all the zombies.
In conclusion: LASIK IS AWESOME.
And Dr. Krog is awesome for taking care of me and the wee monsters for three days. He's a trooper. And he brought me almond croissants, too. That's love, y'all.