me: I think it's part of a larger plot to drive me crazy.
biscuit: No, really, though?
me: Well, it's Columbus Day.
biscuit: I KNOW THAT GUY. My teacher told us.
me: What did your teacher say?
biscuit: He found something.
me: Eh... not really. See, he lived in Europe, and his king and queen didn't know that there was land on the other side of the ocean. So they sent Columbus over here, and he landed in the place that's now the United States, and he stuck a flag in it and decided he'd discovered it.
biscuit: THAT'S WHAT MY TEACHER SAID!
me: Yeah, but buddy, people already lived here. The Native Americans had been here for thousands of years. They had towns, families, tribes. So is it possible to discover something that's already been discovered?
biscuit: Yes! No! But my teacher said...
me: Your teacher knows a lot of things, but she's not always right. You can't own something that someone else already owns. What if somebody walked into our house right now and said, "I FOUND THIS HOUSE! I OWN IT!"
biscuit: Then daddy would use jiu-jitsu on them?
me: Exactly. We wouldn't say, "Oh, okay. You found our house. You can have it. We'll go somewhere else."
biscuit: But I thought Columbus was good.
me: Eh... I think he thought he was good. But you'll notice there are a lot more white people running around than Native Americans. Columbus wasn't so cool to them.
biscuit: Oh, I REMEMBER them. They're called INDIANS.
me: Eh... let's just call them Native Americans for now, okay?
biscuit: But my teacher said...
me: Your teacher isn't always right. Remember when she told you that you should get her a present because it would be her anniversary if she wasn't divorced?
biscuit: YEAH, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO...
me: No, we weren't. The thing is, there are two sides to every story, and I think Columbus Day is one of the most ridiculous, horrible holidays on the planet. Half the people go to work or school, the other half don't, which means only half the people can do their job. There's no mail, which means my Harry & David gift basket won't be arriving. There's nothing to celebrate. It wasn't a real accomplishment. Or, at least, the accomplishment of sailing across the ocean was canceled out by the genocide. And now they're force-feeding it to you in school, and I have to basically tell you that your school, or your teacher, or your government is lying to you, which is a lot to take in when you're five.
biscuit: Um... so what do we do?
me: We relax and have a nice day off, regardless of why.
biscuit: Okay. I'll put on a dress and draw a heart for you.
me: That will officially make it the BEST COLUMBUS DAY EVAR.