While the Biscuit navigates her first week of public school, I'm at home with this guy.
It's weird, being an only child with two kids. I don't have a model for how to parent them, so I just try to keep them from tearing each other apart like baby weasels. While the Biscuit had me all to herself for almost three years. t.rex has always had a loquacious, bossy, helpful older sister to take care of him... and steal the spotlight.
But now? Man, is he ever enjoying his chance to shine. And talk.
Here are a few of our conversations from today.
t.rex: You give me steak?
me: Here's some steak.
t.rex: You give me my own?
me: Right there. That's yours. Eat that.
t.rex: You give me all the steak?
t.rex: YES! GIVE ME ALL MINE OWN STEAK!
me: No, sir.
t.rex: GIVE ME ALL THE STEAK I WANT THE STEAK! IT IS ALL MINE!
me: (growing vexed) DO YOU REALLY WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT IT?
t.rex: (hits me across the face with a wooden spatula) YES, I DO.
me: Fair enough, dude.
And then I picked him up, slung him over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes, and deposited him in his room for a nap. He was asleep within 2 minutes.
t.rex: What's dis strawberry's name?
me: Strawberries don't have names.
t.rex: What's his name?
me: Inanimate objects don't have names. Only people and pets and maybe cars, if you really dig them.
t.rex: What's his name?
me: He doesn't...
t.rex: WHAT HIS NAME?
t.rex: Oh. Okay. I EAT STEVE. NOMNOMNOMSTEVE.
t.rex: Dis my baby. He no can walk. I carry him.
me: You're a good daddy.
t.rex: Yeah, I a good daddy. Like my daddy is good daddy. I put dis baby to bed.
(he runs into the other room)
t.rex: (from the other room) You go bed, baby. Baby nappin'. I sing you a song. DA ITTY BITTY SPIDER CLIMB ALL OVER YOU. HERE COME THE FIRE, I GET THE FIRE HOSE. FIRE EAT YOU UP, HERE BABY HAB SOME FRUIT.
t.rex: Mommy, come see my babies! I put dem all to sleep!
me: Wow, son. You buried all your babies under a pile of pillows. You totally smothered them.
t.rex: (sits on top of the pillows) Yeah. Dey cozy now.
t.rex: What you doing?
me: I'm chopping up vegetables for lunch.
t.rex: I eat dem now?
me: Nope. They have to cook first.
t.rex: I chop dem? I am very big boy.
me: Sorry, dude. You can't use a knife.
t.rex: I CAN. I CAN USE A KNIFE. I AM BIG. YOU GIB ME KNIFE.
t.rex: I just cut dem a little bit?
me: Still no.
t.rex: You gib me sweet potato fry I put it in my mouf?
me: If I give you some kale chips, will you go in the other room?
t.rex: (thinks about it) Yeah, I will.
me: It's almost too easy.
t.rex: Yeah, I easy.
As a final note, despite that last conversation... he's so not easy. Oy.
The twos can indeed be terrible.