Things I Learned at IKEA yesterday:
1. That place is actually RIGGED to make you buy things you don't need. I have extrapolated that the Swedes are trying TO TAKE OVER AMERICA THROUGH RAMPANT CAPITALISM.
2. Even when other people-- wonderful, delightful people-- drive you there because you're terrified of highways, you can still manage to have a panic attack for an entirely different reason.
3. Sometimes, people will redistribute all the things in your cart for no discernible reason while you're eating. And then the people whose carts end up with bits of your stuff in them will be annoyed with you, and you will feel WRONGED, and the new scissors and chip clips will never be as great as the old scissors and chip clips, and no one will understand and GAH.
4. There is such a thing as ZOMBIE RABBIT FABRIC, but you won't be able to figure out what to make out of it and therefore won't pay $9.99 a yard for it, even though it's freakin' ZOMBIE RABBIT FABRIC.
5. Out of that whole, entire store, you will have 5 simple things on your list, and they will BE OUT OF TWO OF THEM, including the weird light bulbs in your bathroom, and so you will have to brush your teeth in the dark, because it is a CONSPIRACY BY SWEDES.
6. And this one is very, very important: Even when you yell MY KID IS ABOUT TO BARF, sometimes people are just too busy shopping to move.
7. When your kid actually barfs, the people will move much more quickly.
8. Except for the people who work at Ikea. They will all, oddly, walk very quickly in the opposite direction of the huge splatter of fluorescent pink raspberry oatmeal vomit that looks fabulously Swedish next to a black leather POANG chair.
9. Your salmon won't taste quite as nummy after the vomiting incident. But you will understand that salmon doesn't matter so much when you realize what amazing friends you have.
10. By the time you get home, you will decide that YOU MUST NEVER, EVER GO TO IKEA AGAIN.
11. You will probably decide to go to Ikea again anyway, sometime next year.