Thursday, June 2, 2011

unruly rant: communicational physics

Something extremely frustrating happened to me yesterday. It was a glitch in Communicational Physics, an obscure and entirely made-up branch of physics that should probably be taught in school along with other esoteric tasks like "handwriting" and "real physics".

I ordered a book for Nook and went to download it. No dice. Why? Because Wells Fargo treats my personal information like a 29 cent goldfish and just sends me a new card every three months, so the card on that account had been closed. Again.

So I went online and changed my default credit card and tried to buy the book again. No dice. I "already own that book", and I need to call a 1-800 number.

See the problem?

I performed a transaction entirely online, and I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIX IT ONLINE.

If I wanted to talk to people and be on the phone for four minutes, I would have bought the book over the phone, which is just stupid. I do things online for a reason, and that reason is to never have to hear a human voice or a sousaphone playing Hungry Eyes while I wait.

And herein lies one of my biggest complaints about customer service. I feel that you should be able to choose how to do business. I do most of my business online, ergo, I do not want to walk into a store or use my phone to solve a problem. I do not want to talk to "Jack" and listen to elephants trumpeting in the background of "Indiana", where we all know the na is silent. I do not want to press ocho to hear my prompts in Espanol. And I don't want to hear hold music that sounds like angry robot porn.

I also don't like it when I walk into a store and am told that they don't sell what I want and that I can order it online. If I take the trouble to put on clothes and drive somewhere, it's because I'm mindlessly driven by a need for instant gratification, not that I forgot how to Google

And email goes the same way. If I email someone, I do not want them to call me in response. In fact, unless you have really good news, I don't want to talk on the phone at all. If the phone rings and it's not a book deal or a party, I'm going to sound disappointed, because when the phone rings, it should always mean a book deal or a party.*

So please world. Follow the #1 rule of Communicational Physics: a force should be met with equal and opposite force, but only via email, because I don't like customer service scripts or Hungry Eyes in sexy sousaphone, and I do not want to take your survey or give money to homeless firemen running for city council, and please just keep everything I've ever wanted in stock, just in case, because THAT'S CAPITALISM, FOLKS.

* Except for the friends who called this weekend when I was having problems. You guys are veritable gods, and you made me feel so much better. And it's also okay to call if I'm in the car and bored. Or if you want to chat about something fun. All that's great. You know who you are.

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