There is beach in my future, which means there's bathing suit shopping in my present.
But there's a problem.
Okay, it's bathing suit shopping. There are lots of problems.
I feel pretty reasonably good about my body-- at least the best I've felt about it since 2002 or so. But the main problem is style. Currently, suits fall into several categories: Nautical, 80's NEON, Uber-Ruffles, Utilitarian German Nanny. And lots of them utterly fail to take boobs into account, which blows my mind, since isn't that all guys look at, anyway?
I went to three stores and couldn't find a single thing that looked good. Everything I tried on made me feel like I was on Kids Incorporated or Mama's Family.
And thus I present you with MARRY/KISS/KILL, Bathing Suit Edition.
I mean, seriously.
That first one looks cute but combines HORIZONTAL STRIPES with a FLOPPY ROSE and NO STRAPS. The second one is straight-up Angela from Who's the Boss, and the third one looks like pajamas made out of a tablecloth.
If you can't find a bodaciously made teen model who can make a swimsuit look gorgeous, what's the point of a 33 year old mom of two kids trying to look good in it?
And if you're thinking, "But those are all Juniors. You're a woman. Look in the section from grown-ups, fool," then let me cover that one, too.
Basically, you're going to look like Grandma's couch cushions. Or have a weird mid-boob ring.
Those are your only options.
At least, if you shop at Old Navy, Target, and Kohl's, which is where I went shopping.
Last year, I posted about how sickened I was by the ultra-thin bathing suit models. This year, I see some girls with curves, especially on the Target site, which is great. But I still think it's time for a swimsuit revolution in which they focus on what makes a girl look good instead of just trying to flail in the rancid puddles of teen style leftovers.
Honestly, no one looks good in fluorescent plaid. Right? Right??
In any case, anybody want to play MARRY/KISS/KILL with the above swimsuits, many of which I have (sadly) actually tried on?
*NOTE: If you actually own any of those swimsuits, good for you. They all looked like crap on me. I applaud you for looking awesome in your own awesome way because you are awesome.