Sunday, May 15, 2011

marry/kiss/kill: bathing suit shopping edition

There is beach in my future, which means there's bathing suit shopping in my present.

But there's a problem.

Okay, it's bathing suit shopping. There are lots of problems.

I feel pretty reasonably good about my body-- at least the best I've felt about it since 2002 or so. But the main problem is style. Currently, suits fall into several categories: Nautical, 80's NEON, Uber-Ruffles, Utilitarian German Nanny. And lots of them utterly fail to take boobs into account, which blows my mind, since isn't that all guys look at, anyway?

I went to three stores and couldn't find a single thing that looked good. Everything I tried on made me feel like I was on Kids Incorporated or Mama's Family.

And thus I present you with MARRY/KISS/KILL, Bathing Suit Edition.

Round 1:

I mean, seriously.

That first one looks cute but combines HORIZONTAL STRIPES with a FLOPPY ROSE and NO STRAPS. The second one is straight-up Angela from Who's the Boss, and the third one looks like pajamas made out of a tablecloth.

If you can't find a bodaciously made teen model who can make a swimsuit look gorgeous, what's the point of a 33 year old mom of two kids trying to look good in it?

And if you're thinking, "But those are all Juniors. You're a woman. Look in the section from grown-ups, fool," then let me cover that one, too.

Round 2:

Basically, you're going to look like Grandma's couch cushions. Or have a weird mid-boob ring.

Those are your only options.

At least, if you shop at Old Navy, Target, and Kohl's, which is where I went shopping.

Last year, I posted about how sickened I was by the ultra-thin bathing suit models. This year, I see some girls with curves, especially on the Target site, which is great. But I still think it's time for a swimsuit revolution in which they focus on what makes a girl look good instead of just trying to flail in the rancid puddles of teen style leftovers.

Honestly, no one looks good in fluorescent plaid. Right? Right??

In any case, anybody want to play MARRY/KISS/KILL with the above swimsuits, many of which I have (sadly) actually tried on?

*NOTE: If you actually own any of those swimsuits, good for you. They all looked like crap on me. I applaud you for looking awesome in your own awesome way because you are awesome.


Rachel211 said...

That very first one is just awful. How do you make a pre-teens boobies look flat and saggy?!

And this may be surprising to you - but the best luck I get in finding a swimsuit in Florida is WALMART of all places!

Celita said...

I'd have to say that ModCloth has the only swimsuit option that I've considered in the past few years...

Though, I haven't yet had the courage to buy it for fear that I look nothing like that darling in the photo.

Good luck in your search!

stephanie constantin said...

oh God...bathing suit shopping...make it go away!

thatgirlblogs said...


It's a massacre. I'll be wearing a sleep-tee over my mom suit.

EttyOop said...

I recommend checking out the biggest local Victoria's Secret. They have a small bathing suit section with some cute bathing suits of various styles (yeah some are awful. But not all of them). And they have built in bras in a lot of them, so they take boobs (and especially the fact that some boobs have been through pregnancy and possibly nursing) into account. If you find a style that you like and it's not on sale, it may be on sale on the website. I've gotten a couple different bathing suits that way.

Good luck! Bathing suit shopping STINKS!

Southern Belle Mama said...

Those really do stink!

I know it's online, but try Popina Swimwear or Shabby Apple. Both have great suits that are suitable for a mom but won't turn you into grandma's couch cushion.