Monday, May 23, 2011

because i always do what facebook tells me to

I wasn't sure what to blog about, so I asked Facebook.

Because let's face it-- that's how we figure out what to do, what to eat, which album to buy. We crowdsource it. And then I put "srsly, help me", just to emphasize how srs I was.

Here's what I've got.

1. Lasagna. It's okay. I like the big floppy noodles. But it ain't on the slow carb diet.

2. Cupcakes. I LOVE THEM. I only eat one per week, on Treat Day. Last Saturday, it was a frozen pumpkin chocolate crapcake from this batch, and even though it was smooshed and reminiscent of failure, it was EXQUISITE.

3. Lasagna cupcakes. SO MUCH NO. Although somewhere, in cat heaven, Garfield is purring.

3. Cactus flowers. My mom's cactus has flower babies once a year, and she takes a bunch of pictures, which I find very confusing. What are you going to do with pictures of a cactus? And then they wither up and look like tiny, sad vaginas.

4. Having "the talk" with your kids. Alright. So you know how Nina's cactus has flowers every year? One day your girl parts will look like that, and then when you get married to a man on whom we've done a complete background check, he'll put his... nevermind. Just don't touch yourself at the neighborhood pool, okay?

5. Rainbows. Sorry, but the whole 'double rainbow' phenomenon kind of ruined rainbows for me. Now I'm all, WHERE'S THE DOUBLE RAINBOW, HUH, GOD??

6. Epistemology. I like to purposefully mispronounce words just to mess with people. Like when Obama announced he was running for president, I called him "BARE-ick." It drove people crazy. So if you heard me say that, rest assured I wasn't being a political ignoramus. I was just screwing with you. Really.

7. What to blog about. Yeah, so when I'm hot on a new book idea-- like, say, chapter 3 of DARK SPARKLY YA, I don't spend much time thinking about what to blog about. And then THIS happens. Sorry.

8. Indecisiveness. I don't believe in it.

9. Pinecones. Once, when I was about 8, my dad told me he would give me a penny for every pine cone I picked up and put in the wheel barrow. I got to 108 and then spilled the wheelbarrow in the pine island, thus losing count and losing the previously counted pinecones among their uncounted neighbors. He found me there, weeping over $1.08 and just gave me $10 to quit crying. I used it to buy a mini-synthesizer.

10. Pool drama. Okay, so how has no one ever written a sitcom about the politics of the neighborhood pool? It's seriously humanity at its worst. And you get squirted in the face a lot, which nobody likes. I think I might just buy myself a big-ass squirt gun and go all Justified on the poorly supervised hooligans. Also, I personally believe that if another kid tries to drown my kid, my kid is entitled to punch that kid in the face.

So there you have it. FACEBOOK HAS SPOKEN.

1 comment:

dk said...

"Also, I personally believe that if another kid tries to drown my kid, my kid is entitled to punch that kid in the face."

Said the young father of a shy 3yo girl, who will readily (and happily) devastate ANY young punk who messes with his aforementioned daughter. But if she can handle it herself, so much the better! ;)