Tuesday, January 25, 2011

what's got 2 thumbs and broke the bed?


I tried to move it across the room. I've moved at least 4 other beds in my life. In high school, I'd get all insomniac-Hulk-strong and move my room every few months. And this is the prettiest, nicest, most expensive bed I've ever had.

That didn't stop it from doing this:

The top of the headboard disconnected from the bottom, each of those little bars came undone, and then the entire headboard came apart from the runners, and then all the footer boards fell through, so the box spring slammed down on... um... two years of books that we had forgotten we were storing under the bed.


But it's all fixed now. I used my handy, leather-bound Jane Austen compendium to beat the crap out of it until all the parts stuck together again. And then I moved it, pushing instead of pulling, and being much more careful. And after a few hours of insanity, my room looks pretty good.

Seriously, this bed? If Ikea had a nightmare, it would be trying to get all the parts back together alone with only a bossy, melodramatic four-year-old in a tutu for help and support.

Thank you, Jane Austen. You saved me there.


Anonymous said...

I still hate Jane Austin.

Allie said...

Thank God you found a decent use for Jane Austen books. :)

dk said...

I thought you would mention Ikea. We had an Ikea bed that collapsed with us on it. My wife and I were chilling out reading when our little cat (@ 9# at the time) jumped up, and turned into the straw that broke the camel's back. The footboard came apart much like your headboard, and since that was a part we hadn't built ourselves, we took the bed back. It was two years old, and there was no warranty, but we demanded that they take it back and give us credit (so we could buy another Ikea piece of shit... sigh).

We never thought of putting Ol' Jane to work to try to fix it...

Anonymous said...

If I were in a room with Jane Austen, Joseph Conrad, and Kate Chopin and I only had a gun with two bullets, I'd shoot myself in the head twice.

I think you should make this blog about nothing but hating 19th century over-wordy authors.

Anonymous said...

You know what would have been better than the Jane Austen? That godforsaken Instructions book you keep trying to smother us all with. I opened it in B&N and nearly went into a coma. There wasn't any werewolf sex or teen vampires or zombies. What's the point?

If I used that book to beat the bed back together, I could then open it and fall backwards into bed, asleep already.

Take that, lit teacher! KATE CHOPIN SAYS YOU SUCK.


Taylor said...

Uuggghhhh Joseph Conrad. His books are so awful I couldn't even make it through the CliffNotes.

Anonymous said...

You look like a chinese fleeceflower.