Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday was the party. See above.
Saturday was the big day. She turned four.
Sunday was an hour of attempting to use her new inline roller skates, followed by a hot fudge sundae to erase the bruises.
She's going to have memories now, which just freaks me out.
But I love her nimble, joy-filled way of moving through life.
We made Yoda ears as party favors, and I painted faces. She wanted her face painted like a cat. So there she is, happy as a clam with Yoda ears and a cat face.
Four years ago, they were finally unhooking me from the various machines that kept me alive and sane while the Biscuit was from my womb untimely ripp'd, as Shakespeare put it. They didn't know I'd sneaked an entire box of cookies. They thought I was going to be all excited about eating some eggs after two days of soup.
I have a four year old.
I'm a little wigged.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Right now, I feel like Chewie sat on me.
p.s. - It was chocolate pumpkin with vanilla and chocolate buttercream.
p.p.s. - It was based on this drawing by artist Kevin Graham.
His is infinitely better, but in my defense, mine was edible.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I hate when I can't find things, but I love when I find something I've forgotten.
My innate eccentricity bit me in the ass today when I needed to find a pair of tiny, sparkly pink baby shoes and a photograph of myself in rabbit ears sitting on a bull.
I found the shoes. The photo's still on the lam.
But I found loads of stuff I'd totally forgotten.
If you're nosy and enjoy looking at other people's private junk, you're gonna love this post.
If you're Dr. Krog, you're going to be very bored.
First up was that awesome deer skull above, which I found while trail riding. I tied it to my saddle and listened to the teeth rattle while I galloped.
Then there was this.
The pirate Lego people I used to keep on my desk at work. When I was angry, I imagined the shark was eating people.
And then I unearthed this box of trinkets.
The Tick, a masked goat, the Barbie that was in my Pampered Chef bridal party cake, and a buttload of mint condition Beanie Babies that my ex's mom gave me. They're each worth about $2.99 on Ebay, so that was a sound investment.
And I used to collect four-leaf clovers in a Celestial Seasonings tin.
And then there's my old pocketwatch collection.
Yes, I collected pocketwatches.
And although I have, like, ten more photos, I imagine you're starting to scroll through or get bored or something, because these are just pictures of a bunch of old crap.
That's okay. It's just my heart you're stomping on. Stomp stomp.
So the last thing I'll show you is my correspondence box. If you've ever sent me a letter, it's probably still in there.
In that very picture, you can see a postcard from the family I stayed with in Toulouse in 1995, a letter from my high school pen pal in Kuala Lumpur who used! a lot! of exclamation points!, one of the letters of the dude who broke my heart in high school, and the birthday card that the guy who raped me gave me on our homecoming date.
I stopped saving so much stuff in about 2000, when I got back together with Dr. Krog and decided that I didn't need to be so melancholy all the damn time.
But some things are worth saving, and everything in the pictures has a story.
Except the masked goat. I have no earthly idea why that guy's in there.
Stupid gatecrashing goat.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I'm pretty sure I expire at 5:34 every night.
I'm thinking of having it tattooed on my arm.
The kids don't go to sleep until 6:45 or so. See the problem?
Tonight, I handed the Biscuit my new camera and let her play. t.rex joined in.
From what I've seen of the modern art scene, with an investment of about $900 in frames and mats, she could sell out a show downtown.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Today was our first consignment sale of the season, and the find of the day was this $5 vampire bat costume. It has a hood, wings, a fat belly, and ridiculously fuzzy pants.
And it's fun for the whole family!
Of course, it belongs to t.rex. We've been contemplating a Halloween family costume theme of "Monsters", and this would fit right in. Much easier than the hobgoblin costume I was going to have to whip up for him in my nonexistent spare time.
He thinks it's a cat costume and walks around singing, "KIKI SUIT! KIKI SUIT!"
And it's so cute that I follow him around taking pictures. Kids love that.
And then, of course, the Biscuit has to get in on the fun. Her costume is supposed to be a gorgon child, or as she calls it, A Big Kid Medusa.
But for today, Fat Borrowed Bat will do nicely.
And I'm sure you can guess what happens next.
What always happens.
Because if you read this blog, you know me.
So that'll haunt your worst nightmares, I'm sure.
P.S. for Tanya: The recirculated air on my chest is the bat.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
What could possibly follow up Labyrinth besides another fantastical fantasy from the 1980's so twisted and bizarre that it could never be made today without Tom Cruise and a bunch of 3D?
Well, it actually has one of those things.
Our dear pal Tom was just a baby then. It was a year before Top Gun came out, and he grew his hair out, put on a dress made out of pennies, and spent most of the movie looking pretty and confused. But he got his wish.
Okay, maybe he looked a little girlie. Or a lot girlie. But eventually, he married Nicole Kidman and made a bajillion-zillion dollars.
Anyway, he played a Forest Child named Jack, who basically ran around the forest barely clothed and was probably raised by a deer and a bear or something. He was really twitchy. And he fell in love with this gorgeous, nubile princess named Lili.
C'mon, kids. There's more to life than just being really ridiculously good-looking.
They spend a lot of time waltzing around the forest, doing nothing.
Fa la la.
ANYWAY, to show her his love, he introduces her to the unicorns. Because if there's one thing that a spoiled little brat needs, it's to get within touching distance of the magical unicorns whose life force keeps the whole forest alive.
Coincidentally, a demon called The Lord of Darkness has sent some evil minions to kill the unicorns and bring back some unicorn horn.
Yeah, that's not an innuendo or anything.
But Darkness is pretty much the coolest thing in a pretty cool movie.
Those horns weighed, like, forty pounds.
And he was eight feet tall. With four arms of terror!!
No, wait. That was Goro from Mortal Kombat.
His minions were creepy, too.
Okay, so that's not actually Blix. That's something else from another movie. But it scared me, and it does look a lot like him/her/himmer.
This is the real Blix, who was modeled after Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.
So then Darkness stole Lili and took her to hell and turned her evil and tried to seduce her, which was awesome. It made me realize at a very young age that being good and sweet and fancy was boring. I was like, "STAY WITH TIM CURRY, GIRLY! JACK IS A MAJOR WUSS!"
And I was only 8 at the time.
Dark Lili says:
And then Jack goes to find friends! To fight evil! On a journey!
His friends were a veritable Super Friends of the forest.
Like the Gump.
Don't let his short stature and general resemblance to Brian Molko fool you. The Gump was a bad-ass.
These guys? Not so much.
Together with Jack, they all did... something.
And then they fought the demon of Darkness... somehow.
I usually fall asleep during that part.
But it always ends in the whole Happily Ever After way that everything does in the 80's. Lloyd Dobbler gets the curly-haired girl, and the bad guy is banished to another dimension in a piece of glass, and then Tangerine Dream does the end credits.
I give Legend two cloven hooves, straight up. Go, Team Darkness!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
But I've never shown you topless pictures of him.
You can look, but if you touch, SUCKA MC GOTS TO PAY.
That's right. My science fiction loving, video gaming, Cartoon Network-watching psychologist husband is totally cut. And even though I think he's kind of a crazy person for working out as much as he does and eating turkey cold cuts and mixed nuts for breakfast, I really don't mind living with the results of his toil.
But I admit he's crazy. See?
Briefly, here is his story.
It started with too many club sandwiches and chocolate milkshakes…and um, not enough exercise.
After hip surgery last December, I obviously had to rest up and recover. And I did! [My fabulously gorgeous wife] was a godsend, nursing me back to health with laughs, smiles and an endless supply of whatever I wanted to eat. She is the best.
I may have enjoyed myself a bit too much, though. By last March I was staring in the mirror, looking at my formerly ground fighting-conditioned body and wondering, "Wah happen?" My year-round 2-pack was now a minikeg. I was turning into a skinny fat guy.
Enter Krogshred: 135 Days of diet, exercise, and crazy.
Like Heart of Darkness, but for my abs.
Let me give a shout out to friend and Anthony Wilkins at North Point Personal Training in Roswell, GA. Although I did the Krogshred alone, every exercise I did I learned from Anthony, a really great trainer and a father himself.
Pounds lost: 23 (D says: Seriously? From where?!?!)
Friends alienated: 2
Number of times wife heard the phrase “My abs/pecs/biceps are really starting to show”: 200+
Pounds of protein purchased: 10
Times caught staring into mirror at restaurants when I should have been looking at far more beautiful wife: 7
Dollars spent on supplements and (D says: Don't be tellin' me that, yo. That is not frugal, no sir!)in 135 days: $260
Number on my “pack”: 4-6 depending on the day…
Number of chores done during entire 135 days: Um like 8 or so? Took the trash out like 4 times. Mowed lawn couple of times. I don’t know. Almost nothing. I didn't do jack around the house. Sheesh. Thank god for my wife. She’s a saint.(D says: YES. YOU SO OWE ME.)
Number of times KROG SMASH: not as much as you'd guess.
And it's just the beginning. There's more crazy to come. (D says: NO, PLEASE. 4-PACK IS PLENTY GOOD FOR ME. LET'S JUST GO HAVE SOME FROZEN YOGURT AND CHILL, OKAY, CRAZY PERSON?)
I'm proud of you, Dr. Krog.
p.s. Dr. Krog did not actually do the Shred, like I'm doing. He did crazy, 2-hour long workouts with exercises like Living Death and Crazy Sevens and, I don't know, Total Sonic Deathmonkey Throes of Unimaginable Pain. So don't think that Jillian's videos can do that. You'll be disappointed.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I'm filling out forms for preschool. Most of the questions make sense for my nearly 4-year-old. But I'm relatively baffled on how to answer for my 20-month-old son.
Child's greatest strengths:
* pooping at inopportune times
* eating half an avocado in 37 seconds
* sitting on the pink potty for an hour without producing a single drop
* laying on the cat
* looking cute in old man pants
* saying the word "Mommy" more than any other living thing in the history of the world
*giving really, really, fantastically awesome hugs
My child needs encouragement in:
*sleeping past 6am, preferably after 7am, or at least AFTER SUNRISE
*not poking his broccoli into the hole in his booster seat
*translating Goethe from the original German
*keeping track of sippy cups
My goals for my child's school year include:
*you watching him for six hours per week so I can rest and write and stuff
*no, really, that's mostly it
Relate previous preschool or childcare experiences:
*staying with grandparents WHILE I GO SEE SCOTT PILGRIM THIS WEEK, PLEASE GOD.
*watching Tom & Jerry while older children sit on him at LA Fitness
*spending afternoons with a magnificent 12-year-old mother's helper who went back to school and left me utterly bereft, BEREFT, I TELL YOU
September, you unruly wench, I must demand you arrive immediately.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Now, about Minnesota. I think they need to change their state motto from "L'Etoile du Nord", which we all know is just gibberish, to:
Seriously, I haven't been to a lot of northern states, but it's quite a star.
I'd also like to tell you about the travel memoir I'm going to write about how I went to Minneapolis and, you know, found myself.
Here's the high-concept pitch: It's like Twilight meets Harry Potter as written by Elizabeth Gilbert, but for boring old married people who like to eat ice cream.
And then I got to meet THE REAL Mrs. Meyers. She was super, super cool. She told us stories about trailers and kids and raisins and kotex.
Then they let me into their actual LABORATORY, to play with CHEMICALS, because they are fools who never talked to my 12th grade Physics teacher, who thought I was a raging idiot.
Joke's on her, right? Mrs. Foss, you're a moron.
And then I made my very own counter spray. But they're mailing it to me next week, and I wouldn't blame them if they switched it out for one that was... um... a level above my usual lame-u-tastic standard for persnickety detail.
What else happened in Minnesota:
1. I sat next to Cher on the plane. And I mean 1974 Cher with ironed hair, not current zombie-corpse Cher or even Cher from Clueless. As if!
2. I saw a crop circle and a DRAGON from the plane. I don't care what Dr. Krog says. I know what I saw.
3. I had one of the best meals ever, including this fabulous little mason jar of awesome called Butterscotch Budino with Pink Sea Salt.
4. Met some utterly lovely bloggers, including Jordan Ferney from oh happy day and Cambria Bold from Apartment Therapy Re-Nest. Yes, friends-- her name is a font. How rad is that?
5. Had a really good cinnamon scone.
6. Had a tremendously lovely night of sleep.
7. Sat next to two strippers on the plane ride home. They were having a professional discussion of Jenna Jameson's biography. One had "Tawny" tattooed on her foot. They made fun of my own book, City of Bones by Cassie Clare, and I inwardly guffawed.
8. Missed the crap out of my family, although it was a nice little vacation from hearing the word "Mommy" every 3.2 seconds.
9. Learned loads of things about Mrs. Meyers and the Caldrea company, which I'll be sharing on Cool Mom Picks soon.
10. Tasted scallops for the first time since 2003 and remembered why I don't like 'em. Comforted myself with tempura blue tiger prawns. Life is rough.
Friday, August 13, 2010
* he's not the Chosen One
* he's not a boy wizard
* he doesn't ride a hippograff
* there is no hugging the Hagrid
* as ever in my books, there are evil rodents. WHY DO I DO THIS?? I SWEAR I LOVE RATS.
If interested, qualified, and fast, please email me at delilahpaints [at] yahoo [dot] com. You may one day see your name on the Acknowledgments page. Let's hope.
Ericka, jarven, and Charis... you guys know I love you, but I'm always too shy to ask. Let me know if you're up for it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A is for Admiral Ackbar at Apple: IT'S AN APP!
B is for Admiral Ackbar working at Joanne's: IT'S BURLAP!
C is for Admiral Ackbar as a gynecologist: IT'S THE CLAP!
D is for Admiral Ackbar in O Brother, Where Art Thou? IT'S THE DAP!
E is for Admiral Ackbar bemoaning his desire to buy cereal on sale at the store: IT'S THE ENDCAP!
F is for Admiral Ackbar at Starbucks: IT'S A FRAP!
G is for Admiral Ackbar wanting a nice pair of chinos: IT'S THE GAP!
H is for Admiral Ackbar learning annoying slang: IT'S WHAT'S HAP!
I is for Admiral Ackbar being a very bad Egyptian archaeologist: IT'S IMHOTAP!
J is for Admiral Ackbar remaining completely PC as he studies the Journal of Applied Psychology: IT'S A JAP!
K is for Admiral Ackbar struggling to figure out why he's discussing Kite Aerial Photography at all: IT'S KAP?
L is for Admiral Ackbar running track: IT'S A LAP!
M is for Admiral Ackbar studying cartography: IT'S A MAP!
N is for Admiral Ackbar as an angry narcoleptic: IT'S A NAP! SO SHUT UP!
O is for Admiral Ackbar buying fancy cufflinks in the UK: IT'S ORLAP!
P is for Admiral Ackbar as the same gynecologist, trying to tell the patient with the clap not to be quite so frightened: Chill out, lady, IT'S JUST A PAP!
Q is for Admiral Ackbar making up his own word in Scrabble to get extra points: IT'S QUIJIBOYAP!
R is for Admiral Ackbar losing himself in the music, the moment: IT'S A RAP!
S is for Admiral Ackbar screaming in rage at VH1: IT'S SCOTT STAPP!
T is for Admiral Ackbar lauding the wonders of indoor plumbing: IT'S A TAP!
U is for Admiral Ackbar playing Magic: The Gathering: IT'S AN UNTAP!
V is for Admiral Ackbar discussing the reproduction habits of the boa constrictor in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, you know, the one that has all the creepy baby snakes come slithering out of it at the table by the monkey brains: IT'S VIVIP(AROUS)!
W is for Admiral Ackbar still holding on to Scary Movie, even though it's like 10 years later: IT'S WAZUUUUUUAP?
X is for Admiral Ackbar cleaning off his boot while his wife grumbles: IT'S OX CRAP!
Y is for Admiral Ackbar explaining why he's giving up his chihuahua for adoption: IT'S THE YAP!
Z is for Admiral Ackbar enjoying some Futurama: IT'S THE ZAPP!
Okay, now that that's out of my system, I think maybe I can go to sleep.
On a completely unrelated note, did I mention Daybreakers is an interesting movie? It is. So there.
Monday, August 9, 2010
See what I mean?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go paint my fingernails black.
* Not crying. Jillian can't make me cry.**
** Not a threat, Jillian. Please don't make me cry.*
*** See what I did there? It's like... like... a mobius strip, man. Like, meta and recursive and stuff. Like, WHOA.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
6:31am - try to remember dream about paint-by-number forest in the mountains of North Carolina where someone kidnaps me and hides me in a chalet/IHOP to save me from zombies in station wagons
6:32am - give up on ever understanding my dreams and make coffee
7:15am - decide that the halfway point between Good Jedi and Bad Sith is Befuddled Droid
8:23am - try to rock out to Brand New's The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me, but stop screaming I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND/ I AM JUST A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO FEEL when my princess-dress-clad daughter interrupts me with, "Mommy, you're actually not a man."
9:45am - Happy Sunday Heathen Pool Party with the family
10:00am - butterfly lands on my head in the pool, and I decide I am THE CHOSEN ONE, just not sure what I've been chosen for
10:10am - Dr. Krog tells me I am a very playful person, and I insist that I am, in fact, more similar to a bipolar sloth on Quaaludes
11:25am - read demon romance book and get annoyed when said demon has violet eyes, which always pulls me out of a book and makes me say NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE VIOLET EYES BECAUSE HE'S NOT ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
12pm - eat a dissatisfying lunch of frozen samosas, Braeburn apple, Laughing Cow cheese, and raw nuts
12:30pm - first round of Shred level 2 pumps me up with so much aggression that I consider putting the thuggy teen down the street in an arm bar for lookin' at me while I was taking out the recycling. Decide to chill.
3:30pm - remember that my Labyrinth review is up at www.nerdbastards.com and contemplate which nerdy retro movie to review next. Ideas? Bueller? Bueller?
4:16pm - kill enormous army ant and send it swirling down the sink drain while yelling, "MADNESS? THIS. IS. SPARTA!!"
4:17pm - realize that despite attempt at chilling, there is apparently still some post-Shred angst in my blood
4:22pm - hear Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and hear overlay of Chris Griffin over George Michael, then ponder why 80's guys were so girly-lame
4:26pm - whiny baby throws himself at my feet, screaming, "MIIIIIILK." I pour milk and respond, "MILK? THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!" Wonder if maybe I have a problem.
4:41pm - realize that instead of pondering life after death, I'm growing anxious over what I'm going to do when my favorite jeans are no longer wearable. Wish clothes were cloneable.
5:04pm - feel the need to party, but no party can be found. Eat waffles instead.
Just think... I'll probably be awake until 11pm.
That's 7 more hours of this crap.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Lots of reasons, including the ruling against Prop8, the fact that my agent likes my next book, my friend Kristin's successful brain surgery and going home from the hospital, and there being less than 2 hours until bedtime, aka TIME TO WRITE AND FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.
p.s. Did you know the Flip camera adds 10 pounds?
p.p.s. Or maybe twenty.
p.p.s. Also, if you are that guy from Red Dragon, don't watch the video. And piss off. You're very scary. YES I SEE.
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's really a lot more magical than it sounds.
Anyway, I thought I would show you a little slice of vulnerability.
Let me tell you about 10 things that strike fear in my heart.
Here's a hint: your mom ain't one of 'em.
1. Daycare buses and church vans. They scared me when I was a kid, and they scare me now. All those poorly supervised little thugs, milling around in matching t-shirts. ::shiver::
2. Apple pie. Seriously, it is the nastiest thing I can think of. Except raisins. And tuna. And capers. Actually, a dish melding all of those things would be my own personal golgotha. And it would look like what Lane's mom made in Better Off Dead.
3. Camel crickets. Because you never know which way they're going to jump. They're like evil, random, chaotic popcorn shrimp from Hell.
Okay, now that I've linked that, I'm going to go soak my laptop in bleach.
4. Being boring.
5. Letting myself go.
7. The love child of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Juliette Lewis.
8. Pretty much every parasite mentioned in Scott Westerfeld's book PEEPS.
9. Ever having to wear pleated-front, tapered-leg jeans again.
10. Not having access to my thyroid medication in case of the zombiepocalypse and having to eat raw pig glands.
You were expecting a real answer? Don't be silly.
Of course I'm not serious. I'm never serious.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
2. I just completed day 4 of the 30 Day Shred, which means I am majorly ripped. Well, 26 days away from majorly ripped. According to Jillian. And we trust TV personalities who are selling things, right?
3. When I go to the bounce house, I pull out the Wavemaster that is inexplicably by the dance floor and teach children how to throw a proper jab. Tell your kids to keep their thumbs OUTSIDE the fist, okay, ladies?
4. One time, a cagefighter I know complimented my kicks while we were sparring. I have never forgotten. I will probably have that chiseled into my tombstone.
5. I'm tricky, too. I'd be like, "Hey, is that a great blue heron?", and when your mom looked over there, I'd punch her in the face.
6. I have a purple belt in muay thai.*
* That I earned in 2005.**
** In a discipline that doesn't technically have belts.***
*** Which doesn't mean anything, really. But I'm still proud.****
**** Shut up, or I'll smack you with a spatula. I don't need a belt to do that.
7. Now that I'm done nursing, I have these crazy things called hormones again, and they go up and down, and for about two days a month, I'd tussle with anybody if they gave me lip. Even your mom. Even, like, a penguin. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, TUXEDO BOY? WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO ANTARCTICA AND EAT SOME FISH??
8. I have sh*tkicking boots, remember? It's too hot to wear them right now, but I could put them on long enough to kick some sh*t, if I wanted to.
9. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GRANDMA? DO YOU WANT TO START SOMETHING?
10. Here's my iPod workout playlist, titled KICKASSERY:
* Get Out Of My Head by Cypress Hill
* Can't Get The Best of Me by Cypress Hill
* Valley of Chrome by Cypress Hill*
* Throw It On Me by Timbaland
* Switch by Will Smith**
* Super Massive Black Hole by Muse***
* Stronger by Kanye West
* Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake
* She Wants to Move by NERD
* Release by Timbaland with Mr. Omeletville himself, Justin Timberlake
* Punk Rock Girl by Dead Milkmen
* Rollercoaster of Love by RHCP****
* Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out) by the Bloodhound Gang*****
* Hips Don't Lie by Shakira******
CONCLUSION: I have metaphorically kicked your mom's @ss. So take her some flowers or something, and tell her to watch her back. BEEEFCAAAAKE.
* These 1st 3 by Cypress Hill off Skull and bones are aggressive and brutal, not to be confused with Jump Jump, or whatever that silly stuff is on the radio. Very tough. You cannot wear one of those silly striped Cat in the Hat rasta hats while you listen to them, or someone shows up with a gun.
**I defy you to listen to Switch and not bounce or dance or something. That is some catchy crap right there. Plus, who can blame Will Smith for being so cool? It's not his fault. He's still the first one in the club, and the last one out. The song says so. That's dedication, folks.
***Muse: It's Not Just For Vampire Baseball.
**** Do you have any idea how hard it is to find this song on iTunes? Seriously, it's insane. And it was in the Beavis and Butthead movie. Do you remember that? Those were some good times. I am the great Cornholio, and I need TP for my bunghole. Heh heh.
***** Oh, Bloodhound Gang. I will never see Jagermeister the same way again after that party Freshman year. They're probably still scrubbing that water fountain that I honked in. I mean, "in which I honked". No excuse for bad grammar.
****** She's tough. It's hard work, making your ass move that way. Shut up.