Wednesday, December 29, 2010

parentitis.

I remember a time before kids, when a cold meant sympathy, a trip to Kroger for junk food and magazines, and two days of Paid Sick Time curled up in bed with a bottle of Nyquil and a stack of VHS cassettes.

Believe it or not, I miss those days.

And therefore I present you with:

Top 10 Ways to Know You're Sick With Kids

(...which is different than being sick *of* your kids)

1. You don't just get a cold. You get a weird, crippling, full-body virus that makes you suffer emotionally and physically, ravaging your soul from brain to toenail. But the rest of the world says, "It's just a cold". Even though your stomach is involved.

2. The cold isn't a 4-day affair generally lasting Friday through Monday. It lasts two weeks and leaves you huffing and puffing when you run up the stairs a month later.

3. If it gets bad enough that you go to the doctor, the doctor tells you that you have bronchitis because you didn't "take it easy". He then looks sternly at your maniacal children playing in the sharps box and insists you'll get pneumonia if you don't "take it easy". You laugh.

4. When your daughter says, "Mommy, you've been wearing that shirt since Christmas," you say, "What's your point?"

5. The cold always hits full force on a day when you have great plans or really need a break from being stuck in the house with your kids.

6. You can only eat the McDonalds you crave in the bathroom with the door locked because your kids keep asking what you're eating and if they can have some. The answers are "medicine" and "definitely not".

7. You wake up halfway across the house and realize that the baby isn't crying to nurse-- because the baby is a toddler, he isn't crying, and he weaned in July. You just heard the cat meowing and were on Nyquil.

8. You watch your kids, who share your symptoms, as they jump on the mini-trampoline and play tag and hide and seek and shriek and run around the house like goblins and wonder how they're not curled up in a ball like all reasonable people when their noses are just as green as yours.

9. You can't get to #10 because you are the sort of reasonable person who wants to curl up in a ball and quit blogging during a rare moment of peace. And you keep eyeing the bottle of Dayquil across the room like it's a Five Guys Burger.

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