Thursday, November 4, 2010

god loves sostleriches

me: What did you do at school today?

biscuit: We pretended to be goony birds, and I was a baby goony bird, and I was a lot of trouble, and the mama goony bird had a hard time taking care of me.

me: What's a goony bird?

biscuit: It's this thing and we sang a song about it and there's only one mama goony but she has all these baby goonies that cause problems. And also, did you know that Jesus gets to decide if I'm a boy or a girl?

me: That's incorrect, sweetheart. Jesus doesn't get to do any such thing. If you consider that God is just another name for the life force that binds all things, then maybe it's true that God is the influence behind gender in that life is random. But it's not like Jesus presses a pink button and BAM, you're a girl.

biscuit: Jesus loves you, too, mom.

me: Awesome.

biscuit: Um... what's God?

me: Well, daddy and I like to think of God as what makes life special. God is everything. But when you hug your brother or wake up and smile or sing songs with your friends, that's God, too.

biscuit: So when daddy goes to work to make money to buy me toys, THAT'S GOD?!?

me: Yeah, if you want to be vulgar about it. More like-- when daddy works so hard to take care of us because he loves us so much, that's God at work.

biscuit: I want God to tell daddy to go to work so I can have some more Decepticons.

me: (choking) Well, that's definitely something to pray for. Ahem. Tell me more about these goony birds. What do they look like?

biscuit: They're birds, mom. (eye roll)

me: Yeah, but are they teeny like hummingbirds, or middle-sized like parrots and crows, or gigantic like ostriches?

biscuit: Gosh, mom! I don't know! They eat worms! All worms eat birds! I mean, all BIRDS eat WORMS. Heh heh. Worms can't eat birds. Unless they die.

me: That's deep.

biscuit: Yeah, but what's a sostletrich?

me: An ostrich?

biscuit: Yeah, a sostlerich.

me: An OSTRICH is a large flightless bird in Africa that has a long neck, a feathery body, and long, strong legs. It runs really fast and can kick stuff.

biscuit: Why would a sostlerich kick stuff?

me: Like if a lion saw a tasty sostle... OSTRICH... and wanted to eat it, the ostrich could kick him, and the lion would find something better to do.

biscuit: Well, if *I* saw a hungry lion, and he wanted to eat a sostlerich, and then I found a dead sostlerich that had died all by hisself but still had bones and brains and was juicy, then I would give that sostlerich to the lion, so that he could eat him. And then I would be LIKE GOD!

me: Uh.... yeah. Kinda.

biscuit: And also, did you know the pelicans came over on the Thanksgiving boat?

me: Pilgrims. The Pilgrims came over on a boat called the Mayflower, and that's why we have Thanksgiving.

biscuit: Um, no. My teacher told me. Peligrams came over on the Thanksgiving, and then we have a FEAST, and I need to bring JUICE BOXES like the INDIANS. And that was also GOD.

me: Wow, dude. Maybe public education won't be so bad.


Kate Hart said...

I hurt myself laughing at this post. So thanks for that.

Virginia Valerie said...

Can I use her as a spiritual advisor for my NaNoWriMo book? :-)

Anonymous said...

Val: Yes. Remember: God loves you when you give juicy dead sostleriches to hongry lions.

Also, Jesus said, "Suffer the little goony birds to come unto me, and I shall decide if they are gooners or goonettes."

Am I going to hell?


~lazy d.

Virginia Valerie said...

See you there! I'll be passing out margaritas at the door. (in hell, that is)

charissimo said...

I think the Pilgrims would have loved them some juice boxes...