Monday, November 8, 2010

further jesse issues

me: (watching the biscuit get some major air on a trampoline) t.rex, Are you having fun getting your insanity out at this indoor play space, sweetheart?

t.rex: NO, JESSE! NO!

me: Dude, you've got to get over this Jesse thing. He's a sweet kid, and he's your friend, and I know he likes to yoink your juice boxes and fire trucks, but seriously. Let it go.

t.rex: NO, JESSE! GO 'WAY!

me: You are going to have some sort of complex if you keep this up.


me: Good Lord, son. Jesse is not some evil specter lurking behind every...

(Turns, sees Jesse trying to pull t.rex's shoes off the shelf, because Jesse's mom's kids are off Monday like my kids, and she's apparently as desperate as I am to run some of the energy out of them.)

Jesse: (holding t.rex's shoe) Hi!*

t.rex: Hi, Jesse!

me: I will never doubt you again.


the biscuit: Mommy, I had a dream that there was a box, and I didn't want it.

me: Anything else?

the biscuit: (sighs sadly) No. Just that box I didn't want.


me: So what do you want to do for your big 2nd birthday party, t.rex?

t.rex: Cracker.

me: Yeah, well, most of the people we know are crackers. But what do you want for your birthday party?

t.rex: Cracker. Chicken nugget. Juice box.

me: Okay, so the food's gonna be stellar. Do you want cake?

t.rex: Cake. Juice box. Gooey gum.

me: Whuh?

the biscuit: I taught t.rex how G stands for Mr. Gooey Gum!!

me: Yeah, there will never be gum in this house. Ever. What else would you like for your birthday?


me: Okay, I've got the menu. And you apparently want to invite Jesse even though he apparently does nothing but plague you. What about Ben?

t.rex: Ben. Big Ben. Nina. Mimi. Papa. Mommy. Daddy. Sister. Kiki. Miss Ericka. Miss Heidi. Teachers. School. MY SCHOOL. NO, JESSE! NO! MY SCHOOL!

me: Wow, dude. Just... wow.

the biscuit: Jesse is the girl on Toy Story.

me: I don't think that's who he's talking about, honey. t.rex, what do you like better: trains, helicopters, or dinosaurs?

t.rex: Choo choo train helicopter dinosaur pony plane Prime.

me: Okay, so all of the above, then? This is going to be one heck of a party.

t.rex: Mama?

me: Yes, son?

t.rex: JUICE BOX.

*Note: Jesse is an attractive and winsome child. I have never seen Jesse do anything other than be friendly and adorable. I can only assume that as soon as my back is turned, the wee scamp sprouts devil horns and starts breathing fire.


K A B L O O E Y said...

I love how this story plays in reverse time, like a preschool Memento. So we read those comments at the bottom of the post and know he's afraid for cause. Yet you don't know. You couldn't know. So compelling. Who's doing the soundtrack?

urfaqhesse said...

did you catch the Prime? i caught it.

2nd birthday? 2nd??? I want to eat all over his face. I will protect him from the evil Jesse monster.

send the biscuit! send the biscuit!
hawt shoes, btw

Jewels said...

Prime? As in Optimus? So your having a cho-choo-dinosaur-heliocopter-plane-pony-transformer party? Whew. You're going to be busy.

Leah said...

Sounds like its going to be an interesting party! : )