Friday, October 29, 2010

unruly review: a nightmare on elm street

It's another unruly review for!

Just in time for Halloween, I bring you:

Because A Nightmare on Elm Street seriously messed me up. So did Piranha, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on a lot of lake outings, whereas thanks to Freddy, I have:

The Top 10 Things That Wig Me Out
Because of This Crappy Movie

1. Small children singing.

2. Kindly old groundskeepers and school custodians:

3. Dry cleaning bags:

4. Bath pillows:

5. My boyfriend's room*:

6. And, further, menstruation:

7. I'll let Freddy tell you this one:

8. I'm sorry. Maybe you didn't hear me.

Or maybe that fear actually came from watching Bring It On too many times. Hard to tell, really.

8. Creepy blue light:

Fun Fact: My fear of creepy green light is actually from Tommyknockers.

9. Group pictures:

10. And lastly, through no fault of Freddy Krueger, the women's aisle of Halloween costumes.

Even Freddy can't be held responsible for a nightmare like that.

But there is one shining light in Nightmare, one golden orb of goodness and light, much like when Sir Galahad saw the Holy Grail.

Little baby Johnny Depp.

I know that most of the people reading this review are probably guys. But this is like when you say, "Man, Angelina Jolie is hot," and somebody says, "Dude, you need to see Gia."

He's just so young and cute. And partially clothed. Or maybe my memory's off.

Still, guys. Gia. She's young and mostly nude. Check into it.

So that's my review of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Wait, you wanted plot?

It's a 1980's horror movie, for pete's sake. Here's the plot: Bad guy comes back to life, terrorizes teens, boobs are shown, effects are hilariously horrible, more bewbs, more blood, creepy children, bad guy is killed, only the good girl lives.


You'll have to watch the 47 sequels plus the mash-up with Friday the 13th to learn the truth.**

*Back when I had a boyfriend.

**The truth is that Wes Craven likes to make money.


Virginia Valerie said...

HAHAHAHA!!! OMG one of your best reviews yet!!

Leah said...

This is great! Such a fun post! I wanna see all these scary movies now!! : )

Anonymous said...

As an insane admirer, collector and watcher of freddy since I was 3, I have to say I loved reading this. Cudos. They may be scary memories but they're memories all the same:)