Thursday, September 2, 2010

unruly review: total recall

Notice: If you're one of my mom-friends, beware. I'm doing biweekly retro nerd movie reviews for www.nerdbastards.com, so this one is going to be a little raunchy, mean, and... well... really nerdy. Because I, myself, am really nerdy.


You know it. You love it. And if you don't, you're a jerk.

It's Total Recall, and it's one of the best movies ever made. Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick titled We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, this movie is so good that we own three different copies of it. One came with my dowry, one came from my husband's family vault, and one we bought recently on DVD and set up in a small shrine. But enough about me.

You want to hear the short version of Total Recall.

It starts out with a dream.


Doug Quaid-- who is not related to Randy or Dennis-- is a regular working stiff who lives in a hollowed out, futuristic office building with his super hot wife, Sharon Stone.


And Total Recall was one of the first movies to have severe amounts of product placement, so she pretty much spends the entire movie with a Nike swoosh on her forehead.

But she's not good enough for Doug. See, he has these recurring dreams that he's on Mars with a hot brunette.


But mean ol' Sharon Stone won't let Doug go to Mars because she's a nagging fishwife.

Quaid's on his way to his job jackhammering large bits of rock when he sees an advertisement for Rekall, a company that saves you money by implanting memories of vacations. You don't have to travel, get motion sick, tip waiters, get sunburned, or make annoying small talk in line at the buffet. It sounds like a pretty good deal. But then--


Shh. Not now, Kuato. I haven't gotten to you yet.

Ahem.

Anyway, Mars is very dangerous because Halliburton... I mean, this guy named Cohaagen... is mining all the terbinium that Earth needs for some unspecified war. And there are mutants all over Mars because Cohaagen built shoddy domes, and now the mutants are rioting because they don't like being all mutated and stuff. So Quaid decides to go to Rekall and take a fake vacation.

Or a "favation", in 2010 terms. It's like a "staycation", but not as lame, because at least you get a t-shirt with Rekall.

But something goes wrong.


ZOMGWTFBBQ, Quaid has a schizoid embolism and goes teh craxy!!11!1!!

They were supposed to implant him with a martian vacation as a secret agent, but it turns out that--


Seriously, Kuato. GO AWAY. You're scaring people, and I've got a lot more story to tell.

So it turns out that Quaid REALLY IS A SEKRET AJENT! OH NOES!

So he runs away and has to put on Professor Quirrell's turban and pull a tracker out of his brain.


And then he has to go to Mars because he has this super-futuristic LAPTOP COMPUTER in which he tells himself to do that. So, like, he does.

And he has a nifty costume to get through Martian customs.


The customs guy asks the lady how long she's staying, and she says "Two weeks". And then he asks her if she's carrying any vegetables (because I'm sure that's going to ruin the special ecosystem of Mars, the rock planet), but the costume messes up. All it can say is "Two weeks". Then it falls apart, Quaid runs, and the lady's head is A BOMB.

But because of Total Recall, around our house, "Two weeks" is a magic word, much like on PeeWee's Playhouse. Anytime someone says "Two weeks", we flip out.

Anyway, Quaid gets to Mars, goes to the Mars Hilton, which is by the Mars Jack In the Box, and ends up at Venusville, where the whores and freaks hang out, because whores and freaks just go together like New Coke and Pop Rocks. And then he meets the person that everyone remembers from Total Recall.


Yes, friends. It's the triple-breasted whore.

But this screenshot also demonstrates one of the coolest things about Total Recall: it is seriously good at predicting the future. Huge flat-screen televisions. Sharon Stone learning tennis from a hologram that's freakily reminiscent of Wii. Product placement everywhere. Crazy airport X-ray security. Even the aluminum water bottles in that scene above that are currently the *only* safe way to drink water without getting the cancer.

But I digress.

What else happens? Quaid is really a bad guy who had his memory wiped to learn ancient alien secrets from Kuato, the mysterious leader of the mutant revolt.

I said Kuato.

Kuato? All that interrupting, and you can't even show up on cue?

Come on, man. Drop the beer and tell Quaid what he's supposed to do.


No. That's wrong. He's supposed to start the reactor. Quaid is supposed to start the secret alien reactor that will melt the glacier in the center of Mars and bring oxygen to the world so that the mutants and whores won't have to live under cheap domes and have runny foreheads.

It's pretty deep.

Oh, and he shoots his wife in the head, too.


But it's okay, because she wasn't really his wife. She was really the girlfriend of Cohaagen's #1 goon, Michael Ironside, the most under-appreciated actor in Hollywood.

And they try to reprogram Quaid's brain again, but he uses his amazingly enormous muscles to break out of the machine, which looks suspiciously like something from a futuristic gynecologist's office.


So he gets out, he gets the girl, and he starts the reactor. The alien ex machina does something that looks like lightsabers humping, and then the smoke monster from Lost busts a lot of sugar glass, and then the weird midget whore doesn't die and Quaid and Athletic Brunette Hooker #41A don't asphyxiate and everyone is happy on Mars.



Oops. Got my favorite nerd movies confused there. Usul does not approve!

But to be serious, you probably already love Total Recall. If not, go watch it. Revel in Ah-nold trying to act. In Sharon Stone making out with Michael Ironside. In the weirdest bunch of freaks ever to grace a movie set. In a startlingly accurate vision of the future, minus holiday space travel, of course.

I give Total Recall three mutant thumbs up.

4 comments:

veganf said...

Of course we love it. Let's have a "recite it" drinking game party while we're at it. If you can deal with me screaming at the screen every 2 minutes about all the geologic inaccuracies... And FWIW, I don't think Sharon Stone looks that bad now.

Alice Istanbul said...

Your crazy reviews make me want to watch these movies again. I love these posts (even though some of the references go over my non-nerd head) they always make me laugh :) And then my super-duper-nerd-husband explains them all to me, which makes them even funnier.

Runs with Granchildren said...

I loff det moofie (that's my best Ah-nold written accent)!!
My word verification was "unianc"...very robotic, don't you think?

charissimo said...

Now I feel as if i never have to watch this movie. Which is a good thing. You're providing a very valuable service, UH.