Friday, September 10, 2010

the brave little frakkin' toaster

THE BRAVE LITTLE FRAKKIN' TOASTER

A Play in One Act

SCENE: Idyllic neighborhood playground. Evening. Two intelligent and gorgeous moms, E and D sit at a picnic table discussing really fancy, erudite things like philosophy and molecular physics as they watch their children gambol.

Please note that the children are gamboling, not gambling. It's not that sort of story.

D: Hey, kids! Wanna see a really cool spider?

Spider:
Yay! I'm cute and harmless!

(The adorable tykes scramble over to view the beauteous wonders of nature.)

D: Look how teeny tiny and cute he is!

Kids: Golly gee willikers, what a cute spider!

D: As you know, spiders are actually arachnids, and-- (gestures towards teeny little mandibles)


Spider: KILL YOU, HUMAN SCUM!!!!


And I swear on the graves of a thousand mutant arachnid warriors, the spider JUMPED DIRECTLY ONTO MY FINGER.

Seriously, it was like TWO FEET (three inches) away, and IT JUMPED ON ME.

Here's what DID NOT happen then:

* I did not scream like a girl

* I did not jump around like a little screaming girl

* I did not curse in front of four small children

No, no. I was calm and reasonable. Like Queen Gorgo of Sparta in 300.

Totally cool.

E: Why are you pacing? I saw it jump off you. Sit down.

D: Oh, no. It's tricksy. That's what it *wants* me to do.

E: It's on the ground.

D: IT IS NOT. IT IS TRICKSY, AND IT IS WAITING TO AMBUSH ME AND CRAWL INTO MY BRA.

Spider: (bides time, snickers, rubs pincers menacingly)

D: AND THERE IT IS ON THE SIDE OF THE PICNIC TABLE! THAT BASTARD SPIDER THOUGHT IT COULD TRICK ME, BUT IT COULDN'T. I SEE YOU, SPIDER! RIGHT THERE! I SEE YOU WAITING! BUT I'M SMARTER THAN YOU, BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS BIGGER THAN A POPPYSEED! SUCK IT, TINY MORON SPIDER JERK!

E: Yeah, we have to go now.

And then we went home, and I bathed in bleach.

THE END.

(Note: There may be some poetic license at work here. E, just pretend it happened that way, because it's funnier.)


*

Oh, and the frakkin' toaster bit?

It's because since I got my new hairdo, I feel like a different Cylon version of myself, kinda like how there was Caprica, and then there was Six.

But if I ever find the Caprica version of myself, believe me, I'll post pics.

3 comments:

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Friends, E found it.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platycryptus_undatus

SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS A JUMPING SPIDER!!!!!

They want you to think they're just curious, sure. But really, they're rifling us for DNA to fuse with their own sticky eggs to make superintelligent freaky babies or something.

Off to have nightmares. Goodnight!

Anonymous said...

Please refrain from ever telling any more stories that involve spiders or posting any pictures of spiders.

Thank you.

Becca said...

Yes! They live in our mailbox at Lostview Farm all year long! Apparently they're perfectly harmless and "friendly." I know, I know.