Monday, August 2, 2010

10 things that actually frighten me

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog basically saying, "I'm a mom but I'm still tough/cool" in as many ways as humanly possible. What am I trying to prove? That having kids didn't make me die inside a little. Even though it did. But other things were born. Kinda like when a rabbit dies in the woods, but then maggots eat it and mushrooms live on it.

It's really a lot more magical than it sounds.

Anyway, I thought I would show you a little slice of vulnerability.

Let me tell you about 10 things that strike fear in my heart.

Here's a hint: your mom ain't one of 'em.

1. Daycare buses and church vans. They scared me when I was a kid, and they scare me now. All those poorly supervised little thugs, milling around in matching t-shirts. ::shiver::

2. Apple pie. Seriously, it is the nastiest thing I can think of. Except raisins. And tuna. And capers. Actually, a dish melding all of those things would be my own personal golgotha. And it would look like what Lane's mom made in Better Off Dead.

3. Camel crickets. Because you never know which way they're going to jump. They're like evil, random, chaotic popcorn shrimp from Hell.

Okay, now that I've linked that, I'm going to go soak my laptop in bleach.

4. Being boring.

5. Letting myself go.

6. Cankles.

7. The love child of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Juliette Lewis.

8. Pretty much every parasite mentioned in Scott Westerfeld's book PEEPS.

9. Ever having to wear pleated-front, tapered-leg jeans again.

10. Not having access to my thyroid medication in case of the zombiepocalypse and having to eat raw pig glands.

You were expecting a real answer? Don't be silly.

Of course I'm not serious. I'm never serious.


Cowbiscuits said...

i totally agree with apple pie, I honestly don't see the appeal! x

Spotted Sparrow said...

I once rented a basement apartment that I soon learned was invaded by those nasty spider crickets of death. *shudders* I still have nightmares.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Also, I am frightened by strangers on the airplane who want to chat the whole time. Completely terrified.

Katiri said...

Phillip Seymour Hoffman is psoriasis personified.

Jewels said...

So the phrase, "as American as Apple Pie" really desn't do it for you huh?

Anonymous said...

1. Apple pie is awesome. When I visit, I want some at your house. Make this happen, Red Velvet.

2. I'll know where your next family vacation should be on August 27th. Cross your fingers for Azerbaijan.