Tuesday, June 22, 2010

warren, kenny, and sherlock holmes get together to piss me off

Our upstairs A/C is out, so we're sleeping with the windows open, like they used to do for... oh... most of history up until 1963. It's illuminating. I had no idea cats made quite so much whoopee, and I had forgotten how horrible teenagers can be.

It was 2am, and I had half a Unisom, but here's what I remember:

kid 1: I'm the king of town, and you best be gettin' offa my car, Holmes!*

kid 2: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, foo? Imma gonna kick you in da nutz!

kid 3: I'm kickin' yo' car, G!

(sound of car being kicked)

kid 1: That is my car! I'm surely going to mess you, up, sir!**

kid 2: Why you gots to be all up in my hood, bra? Don't be mean muggin!

kid 1: Then don't be steppin!

kid 3: I see you, old lady! Get back in the house before I go all Mike Tyson on yo' saggy bottom!

kid 2: (channeling Kenny from Can't Hardly Wait) Why's y'all gots ta waste ma flavuh?

kid 1: (channeling Warren from Empire Records) YOU'LL BE SORRY!

Dr. Krog: There's nothing more pathetic than rich white kids named Chase and Jayden who live in the 'burbs but think they're somehow gangstas.

me: I know how to handle this. I'll write a LETTER!

Dr. Krog: A letter?

me: Fine, an email. To the HOA!!!

Dr. Krog: You're tough.

me: That's how I roll.

So now the neighborhood is mobilized against the threat of LOUD, ANNOYING YOUTH, and I am gleefully looking forward to calling 911 the next time they show up and watching them scatter like cockroaches in a flashlight when the Po-Po*** show up.

Because I am an old biddy! FEAR ME.

* My memory gets spotty in parts. He may have actually said "homes", as in "houses". Or it could have been "hoes", like what you rake with. Or maybe he was referring to Homey the Clown? Do you remember that gig on In Living Color? HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT! Oh, ha ha, hee hee. Comedy gold!

** Basic gist, leaving out the curse words and replacing urban jive talk with actual words. Like, that exist in the DICTIONARY.

*** I'm pretty sure he's the tall purple Teletubby with the purse, but I would definitely run if he showed up at 2am on a quiet street.


nova said...

I remember homey the clown! Ha. I also recently watched a documentary on a clown guy who had some kind of crump dance group in Harlem? Or something?I forget now, but it was really interesting.

NaysWay said...

I'd rather have suburban kids who forget they're white, than ghetto kids who move to the suburbs and bring the 'hood with them.