Saturday, May 1, 2010

the villabouts of the wherein kelly

Vignettes:

me: (approaching Dr. Krog and the Biscuit as they watch Guns 'n Roses videos on my laptop): It's time to write. Party's over, m'nerds!

the next day:

the biscuit: (having just used the restroom): PARTY'S OVER, M'TOILET!

*

me: See? Here's a picture of me when I was in my first recital.

biscuit: You were a rabbit?

me: Yeah. In a pink suit. It made sense at the time.

biscuit: But you didn't have a tutu.

me: No. But I had a fluffy tail. Life was cruel to me. But here's a picture of me riding an elephant.

biscuit: Was it a real elephant? Or was it a toy?

me: No, it was real. Totally real. It smelled like elephant.

biscuit: Naw, it was really not a elephant.

me: You're right. It was a cardboard cut-out.

biscuit: No, it was a house tomato!!

me: Yeah, that makes more sense. And here's me when I went to freshman homecoming.

biscuit: You didn't have much hair.

me: No, it was pretty sad.

biscuit: Do you still have that beautiful, beautiful dress?

me: Yeah. I think so.

biscuit: Can I wear it when I get married?

me: I thought you were going to wear my wedding dress?

biscuit: Yeah, I'm a princess.

me: And here's a picture of my old dog and parakeet.

biscuit: What happened to them?

me: The dog went blind and deaf and we had to put her to sleep, and the parakeet died while I was in college.

biscuit: What happens to animals when they die?

me: We bury them in the back yard. Although we actually had that dog cremated, and I have her ashes in the basement.

biscuit: Can you show me? What do they look like? Was there lava? Can we bury them in the backyard with Puddy? What happens if he gets up and walks around?

me: Then I'll have to kill the zombie cat, because (in crazy old man voice) the soil of a man's heart is stonier, and you've got to bury your own.

biscuit: Mommy, you're weird. Can I have more watermelon?

*

Blog's over, m'nerds! Time to sleep.

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