Have you ever seen the really long 1984 version of Dune by David Lynch?* Of course you have, because you love Kyle McLachlan, giant worms, and Sting in a loincloth.
Right now, I feel like Baron Harkonnen. Violent and spherical. Because nothing makes me feel as kick-ass as watching the movie Kick Ass, and nothing makes me feel as spherical as Ted's Montana Grill.
We celebrated Dr. Krog's birthday today with an extra awesome date. New theater, posh seats with un-crushed plush. The floor wasn't even sticky. The previews were as follows:
MacGruber - Because even though I haven't watched SNL in 5 years or so, I still can't stop thinking MACGRUBER! I'm not sure how they're going to spin that one out into 90 minutes of heart-stopping humor, but I dream it's by merging MacGruber with The Falconer and Justin Timberlake's Omeletteville sketch.
Grown-Ups - Because nothing's funnier than a movie featuring David Spade and Rob Schneider doing tinkle jokes.
The Expendables - Surly nod to Stallone for putting together a dream team for this action movie which appears to be about Stallone putting together a dream team of mercenaries, who then rally around Stallone. A very unique idea there. Including such unruly favorites as The Transporter, Jet Li, Ivan Drago, Kill Bill's Brother, The Terminator, Ashton Kutcher's Step-Husband, Randy Couture, and The Guy I Always think Is Goldberg, But He's Really Steve Austin. Many explosions and face kicks are promised. Looks like fun.
Iron Man 2 - I'll admit I liked Iron Man 1. It caught my attention, and I really enjoy the unabashed, playful misogyny of Tony Stark. But Iron Man 2 looks like it might be pulling a Transformers 2. See, to me, Iron Man vs. Huge Guy is interesting. But Iron Man and His Iron Man Friend vs. Fifteen Other Iron Guy Things And Who's Who In This Fight Under the Cherry Blossoms? loses a lot of the appeal. Also, Scarlett Johansson apparently shows up and pouts and kicks someone in the face. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it was in the preview.
Oh, but then there was Kick Ass. Not to spoil it for you, but that movie totally lives up to the moniker. I loved the main character, his friends, the music, the fight scenes, the combination of homage and pulp. I actually liked Nicolas Cage for the first time in over a decade, which was a nice surprise. And watching the well-choreographed fight scenes made me long for muay thai, for the delicious feeling of a well-landed punch or a solid kick to the shin.
Kick Ass manages to elegantly walk the thin line between reality and fiction, humor and savagery. The acting is wonderful, the lines are thoughtful, the photography was occasionally genius, and the concept made me think. I even cackled, which is always good. Without spoilers, I'll admit that it was hard for me, as a parent, to just accept certain plot points and make the jump for the sake of the movie experience. But I only get to see, like, one movie every two months, so I told the loving, reasonable parent inside to shut the hell up and enjoy watching an 11-year-old assassin.
And then we went to Ted's, and I ordered a medium rare buffalo burger and sweet potato fries and a glass of mango sangria and channeled two months of part-time veganism into one utterly epicurean gorging experience. That's definitely one thing I've gotten from this diet change-- if I'm going to eat meat, it's got to be truly superior meat. I'm not going to use my cheat meal on fast food or the crap *I* cook. It's got to be aged steak or bloody buffalo or duck, baby.
I followed that up with my first chocolate chip cookie in about fifty days, and now I'm ready for a nap.
Thanks, Nina, for watching the kids. And thanks, Kick Ass, for kicking ass.**
* Sometimes, I post something, and then I think, Great, now everyone will know what a complete and utter dork I am. And then I think, If they're reading this, they already know you're a dork, genius.
** Sorry, guys. I try not to channel my inner sailor on the blog, but I can't help it if the movie's name contains the word "ass". And I can't help it if it does, in fact, kick ass. And I can't help it that donkeys are sometimes called asses, or that assassin has the word "ass" in it twice. Who do I look like FFS, Daniel Webster?