Tuesday, May 4, 2010

inching towards moonlight

The problem with being a woman is the pesky, pink dance of hormones and brains and heart. There are times when I am perfectly aware of how completely irrational I feel, and I still can't stop it.

When I want to say, "Please stay," what comes out is, "You might as well go."

When I want to say, "I'm the problem, and you're just a child trying to figure out the world", what comes out is, "Leave me alone right now."

When I want to say, "My belly is full of eels and my head is full of screaming and my heart feels like it's being crushed in a fancy peppermill from Olive Garden," what comes out is, "I don't feel so good."

Days like today, I'm inching toward moonlight.* Putting one foot in front of the other, never looking up because I know that the finish line will look so far away that I could crush it with my fingers. Crush, crush, crushing your head. Everything that touches me is abrasive, even loving pats from sticky little hands.

I have deadlines and emails and a book to write and people I love to connect with, and all I want to do is lay in my bed and watch the fan spin and put a pillow over my face and fall asleep. All I want is darkness and dreaming. In this mood, nothing I contribute could possibly be worthwhile, anyway. I'm drained, empty, out of answers to the interminable questions posed by a curious child. It's my job to answer, but I don't wanna.

Days like this, I want to wean my baby. I want to go back to kickboxing and slam my elbows into the pads again and again. I want to open my kitchen window and scream. I want to throw something just to hear it break, to have that satisfying feeling that I won some tiny, inconsequential battle with the atoms of the universe.

And the funny thing?

Nothing bad actually happened today.

No one died. No one was hurt. My house is 100% free of flooding. There were no bombs or rabid dogs, although I wish I had some brain bleach for the trailer of The Human Centipede that I watched yesterday. Ick.

I didn't get any bad news at all. I'm not even sick. I don't even know for sure what my problem is. But I sure as hell can articulate it, huh?

I think we're trained, as mothers, to suck it up on days like today. To believe that if nothing is wrong, then nothing is wrong. Before kids, I would have taken a sick day, stopped at the store for a slice of cake and some Ginger Ale, and crawled into bed for a Bring It On / Twilight / Sense and Sensability movie marathon. Back when I had the privilege of being sick, or even having an off day.

I chose this life. I love this life. But some days, I'm watching the clock, just like anybody sitting behind a desk.

The bad news: My clock never stops.

The good news: Tomorrow will be better. And if it's not, I'll make some damn cupcakes.

* Taken from the phrase "inching towards daylight" from the works of Matthew Woodring Stover. It's not the Donjon, but sometimes it's pretty close.


K A B L O O E Y said...

Babysitter? You need an hour out of the house, maybe? Or some chocolate. That always helps. Tonight I tried to get my tot in bed 15 minutes early because I wanted to be done. Every mom knows the feelings you describe so exactly. Every mom wishes she could "take the batteries out" of the kids for just a little breather every now and again. Good luck tomorrow, and if you make cupcakes, lick the beaters, then dip them back and lick again.

Ericka said...

I usually just start singing "mama said there'd be days like this" in my head, but you put it much more eloquently.

Stephanie said...

Why is it that I always say the opposite of what Im thinking with my husband? Like your please stay-just go example. I constantly do that and it is completely irrational and it would probably help things a lot more if i just said what i wanted/meant. And also, I know perfectly well when im being a bitch, but I just cant seem to stop myself. I want to, but i just cant quite make it. Hormones are a nasty, crazy thing.

Ive been reading your blog for a while now...i think this is the first comment I've left. But I do enjoy your blog. I am just a terrible terrible commenter.

Also, the last line was one of the most perfect ever invented. "Tommorrow will be better. And if it's not I'll make some damn cupcakes." I LOVE IT. And I miss cupcakes.(have one for me?) The end.

stephanie constantin said...

OMG...I have been living this for about a week now! I had a breakdown last night about how I feel as there is no longer a "me" just a "mom" and they have sucked me dry. :( It's been so bad that every time I see a clock I mentally calculate the hours until bedtime. I feel awful just typing that. I love my kids, husband (most times), and my life, but right now I need a break and a huge cupcake from Darcy's cause I hear they are the best. Thank you for typing what I can't articulate and am scared to say aloud. Wow...that was long!

Jewels said...

These are the days when I endure every second of work like it's the never ending story and plead a headache when I get home so I can take a nap. No, there's nothing wrong, but for some reason the fatigue and the stress (from nothing?) are tag teaming each other to overwhelm my senses. After the nap (usually for 2 hrs, can that be called a nap?), I can function much better on a cave-man level. Robotically cook dinner, maybe even eat some, then find a book and crawl in to bed. Because my mother had depression, I actually went to a therapist once because I thought something was wrong with me. No. Nothing is wrong. You're just a women with a roller-coaster hormonal cycle. Fairer-sex my ass.

Hope your day gets better. Find some ice-cream (I prefer peanut butter toast myself), and a bed. It's the cure-all for everything!

urfaqhesse said...

i love you.

CharliePuckett said...

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Nicole said...

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I'm having a meltdown myself and would like to stay in bed contemplating the ceiling fan, and no crisis has precipitated this malaise. Mercury is in retrograde, can we blame it on the planets?

KMKinJapan said...

If only you could have read this April 8th. We would have been on the exact same page, I stopped cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids beside making meals and changing diapers until my husband made it home.
I was in a new house, and country and in the process of a miscarriage, so I searched for zebra snack cakes and kept it pushing. So go eat your cupcakes and have some for me too. All mothers have days like this.

Delilah S. Dawson said...

You know what else? I came down with a wicked cold, and one of the main symptoms is utter lack of patience. I feel like a truck ran over me. No wonder it was such a bad day-- I was incubating blood gremlins.

Still, I'm glad I'm not alone.