Saturday, May 22, 2010

crazyperson thought balloons

Yeah, mine are the ones that make no sense. The Biscuit just thinks in cute little pink snippets occasionally interrupted by Ariel's song from The Little Mermaid. Or Vampire Weekend, her new favorite band.

Let me explain my thoughts, now in the form of further unruly confessions.

1. I love buying new crayons for my daughter so I can smell them in the box. And maybe use one first, get that awesome new crayon high. But I try to pick a color she won't care about, like booger green or zombie gray. I'm not *that* selfish.

2. As much as I detest waking up at 5am to change a diaper of liquid sludge, I'm beginning to think I operate better on five hours of sleep. More energy, more creativity, more telekinesis, less appetite. Or I could just be crazy, which seems more likely.

3. When buying glasses today, the worker-girl in cool shoes was helping me choose from three frames. "Do you want to go with the thinner lenses?" she asked, and I said, "No, thick is fine. I kinda aim for the hot librarian thing."

Her answer? "Rock it if you can, girl."

4. I love mailing surprises. Like today, I got to mail off the artwork for the winner of the Do the Write Thing For Nashville auction. She got extra bonus artz, and I can't wait to hear her reaction. Of course, the only thing better than mailing fun things is seeing a box on my own front porch.

5. I really resent it when kids' movies make me tear up and almost cry. Thanks a lot, Ice Age 2. Stupid "having children makes everything seem really fleeting and special" feeling. I must harden my heart. And swallow my tears. And turn, and leeee-eave yoo-oooou beeeeeeee......

6. I fail to understand why some things are so freakin' expensive at Kroger and Publix. Take, for example, almond butter. At Trader Joe's, it's $3.99. At Kroger, it's $8.19. And the jar is the same size, and it's not like Kroger's version includes free gold nuggets. $1 or $2 I could get, but seriously, TWICE the price??

7. I really, really need to clean the aquarium. But you know what? I flat out don't want to. That's why I got a snail. Now the snail is covered in a layer of velvety green algae. So I think I'm going to buy ANOTHER snail to eat the algae off the first snail. Because I am SMART. And possibly lazy.

8. I'm up to 69,000 words on the current project, with a projected estimate of 80-85k. But I can't find a single freakin' moment to write, and it's making me a crazy person. Well, that, and the 5 hours of sleep thing. Writing Scritch for kids was so, so much easier than writing for adults. And, of course, I wrote half that book while Dr. Krog was having surgery. So maybe I just need to break his knee or something. Hmm.

9. I want a dog so I won't have to sweep under the high chair so much. But then I think about the sort of vet bills you have to pay when your dog chokes down a Lego or some Polly Pocket gloves or something. And I sweep again.

10. Chubby dancing nearly naked baby makes my day. After all these years, it's still the little victories.

11. Whenever I drive by Dreamland Barbecue, I get annoyed, because I hate the way they artificially pump the smell of their food into the surrounding air. It's like when a heavily perfumed person sits near you in a crowded movie theater. You leave me no choice but to detest your stink, and it's not like I can just quit smelling stuff. And it messes with my synesthesia and makes me think of medieval battlefields full of dead people roasting in the sun and covered with crows.

So, um, in conclusion, if you were planning to leave a box on my front porch with crayons, aquatic snails, a card catalog, and some Dreamland ribs on the front porch, you can totally keep the ribs and bring a Tofurkey instead.

I defy you to find another blog where someone says something that bizarre and nonsensical today.

And if you do find it, I'll laugh at you for spending the time reading something so silly.


Tny8 said...

Oh yeah, thick black frame glasses are standard issue for the Fem Nerd Army. 8-)

Alice Istanbul said...

I love snails. Now I think I must either go do a painting of a snail (with all the cool tricks you taught me), or go make snail jewelry. I've got a clean Ariel costume to return to you, btw. I think I'll send it to you via snail mail.

Mrs. Beer said...

You're funny. Rock it if you can, girl. Bahahahah

3-G The Poet said...

You have an amazing blog, it is really very awesome, if you’re interested here is the link to my blog of poetry, it would be awesome if you could check it out and join.

Or my facebook page

Hoping you have a wonderful week filled with inspiration and laughter,

urfaqhesse said...

10. Chubby dancing nearly naked baby makes my day. After all these years, it's still the little victories.

i want eat baby now.

and you can totally Rock it.

Jewels said...

Forget the snail and get one of those sucker-fish thingies. They live forever.

How did the glasses turn out?

At least you're not sniffing the markers. It would be a shame if you got booger green all over your nose. Scratch that... maybe it's appropriate?

The high you're getting from 5 hours of sleep doesn't work if you do it 30 days in a row. Go to sleep! Eat some carbs. Or some BBQ. mmmm. bbq.

Thanks for making me giggle today. I didn't know I could make that particular sound. Of course, I was swallowing coffee at the time and it kind of came out in a hiccup / snort.

Jewels said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jewels said...

I've left you a shout-out on my blog today. Thanks for making us laugh.