Saturday, May 29, 2010

blah blah me blah blah rant blah chocolate

1. People who make dishwashers should make a button on the inside of the washer that renders the outside buttons and dials useless, sort of like that button in cars that keeps kids from opening their doors or windows. I really didn't need to wash my dishes three times this morning.

2. If all you do on Facebook is talk about cancer; provide depressing links to the oil spill and further planetary destruction; link religious or political rants; offer dippy quotes about the oneness of all life and what "real moms" do; or share every annoying contest you enter, I'm going to hide you.

3. If I ever open Twitter and you take up an entire screen, I'm probably going to unfollow you, unless you're Wil Wheaton. Out of 300 people, there's no need for you to tweet 29 times in a row, especially when most of the tweets begin with "I". That's what blogs are for.

4. No one should ever have to wake up before 7 without consent.

5. Pursuant to #4, just because you're cutting 4 teeth and getting over a bad case of the trots does not mean I want to wake up at 5:45. That was clever of you, though, catching your fingers in the door hinge and screaming bloody murder to force me awake. Now, please quit crying.

6.a. When I was younger, I didn't believe in evil. Then I grew up and went to Best Buy. Then I opened a Parenting magazine, which they continue to send even though I quit paying over a year ago, and saw that they now make chocolate infant formula. And they have the audacity to say it's "better than cow's milk". Behold the Prince of Lies!

6.b. Is it any big surprise that the anagrams for "Enfamil" include Fail Men and Inflame?

7. In this day and age, I seriously don't understand why the spammers are still sending emails and making bogus blog comments. Does anyone-- ever-- click on these things? They should at least start targeting 5 year olds who are just starting out instead of sticking with scams aimed at older people with prefrontal cortex degradation. "FREE DORA TEH EXPLORA DOLL-- Dear Sirs, My names is SpongeRob of the Squarepants, and I am althorized by my mommy to offer you a Free TOY." Etc.

8. I got new glasses. One of the earpieces fell off my old pair, which were barely a year old. I looked like a total dork. See?

The new ones look mostly the same, except they have *two* earpieces and none of those funky zigzags at the corners that made things blurry. Also, they are maroon and blue.

9. We were going to go to a farmers' market today, but it's rainy, and now I have no idea what to do. Quiet mornings at home aren't the same when your younger child won't sit down to watch a movie and just pulls all of the movies out of the cabinet and throws them around while shrieking. I can't believe I'm saying this, but t.rex needs to get with the program.

10. I tried to make vegan black bean brownies the other night, and it was a total and complete FAIL. They tasted like what would happen if a banana got very old and took a crap. I think you can have either regular + healthy or vegan + unhealthy, if you want something to taste decent.

11. Did you know you can buy crayons shaped like Lego men? It's true.


Eoywin said...

Those lego men crayons are awesome!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Love the glasses. The emails to scam 5 year-olds were a scream. And I relate to the dishwasher thang because we're forever double-washing the dishes or washing them, then lazily pulling things out as needed until someone loads a sink of dirties on top of the leftover cleanies and then we end up doing the whole batch again. So I'm not so swift; this is true. But even I wouldn't suspect that the words "vegan black bean" and "brownies" would meld together into a toothsome whole.

charissimo said...

God bless you for #s 2 and 4. And your Tina Fey glasses.

Spotted Sparrow said...

You look smoking in the opera glasses! You should start a new trend. ;P

hotpants™ said...

Chocolate formula? WTF?!

I hide a lot of people on Facebook. I don't even feel a little bit bad about it.

People do click the links and respond to the emails. The IT guy at my former job was always fixed messes after people clicked bogus links. They were over 40 so maybe that's why.