It's not often that I get mortified, but I am recovering from the most shenanigan-filled dinner of recent history. It went like this.
me: This neighborhood Easter Party is great and all, but an unruly helpmeet cannot be sustained by a bowl of Wal*Mart pretzels. Let's go out to my favorite Mexican restaurant with our wonderful friends!
wonderful friends: We will join you for dinner because your children are so well-behaved and pleasant, and we always have such interesting conversations.
Dr. Krog: I'll go, and I'll probably end up paying, but it's going to take a really big margarita.
Mexican restaurant: We're going to seat you all scrunched up in the corner next to some old people. Even though you're 32 and attached to two children, we're going to make you run out to the car and get your ID and make your baby cry.
me: I'll have a prickly pear margarita, frozen, with salt, please. To help me relax.
Mexican restaurant: Here is your prickly pear margarita, on the rocks, with sugar.
Mobile Balloon Artist Who Wants Tips: Can I make a balloon for you, little girl?
me: We can't, honey, because mommy and daddy don't believe in carrying cash money, because we are super-intelligent cyborgs.
Biscuit: I want a balloon cat, and he's red, and his name is Lucifer.
Mobile Balloon Artist Who Listens to Children Instead of Adults: Voila! A balloon cat!
me: Do you have change for my emergency $10 bill, because this has become a social emergency?
t.rex: Instead of my usual agreeable nature and hand-over-fist snack eating, I'm going to fling my food on the ground, crumble up my tortilla chips, and shriek.
wonderful friends: We are wonderful friends, so we're just going to smile.
Mexican restaurant: This plate is hotter than the sun, so we're just going to put it here next to the baby, along with a random ceramic plate.
t. rex: Ooh! Smoke and lava! I need to touch that.
fajita plate: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
me: Argh! Need more margarita!
surrounding tables: Harumph. Glare. Harumph.
me: I wonder what that food tastes like. The food on my plate. That I am not able to eat.
t.rex: I wonder what will happen if I grab that random ceramic plate and throw it on the floor?
t. rex: THAT WAS AWESOME! AGAIN! AGAIN!
Mexican restaurant: We'll clean that up for you. Don't forget to tip your server. BIG.
t.rex: WAAAAAAAAAAAH! MORE PLATE! LESS LAVA BURN!
me: Here, t.rex. Have some of sister's magical Mexican orange juice nectar to shut your pie hole.
t.rex: No! I will fling the straw, and orange nectar will splatter the table behind us like the lifeblood of mommy's patience!
Guy in Starched White Button-Down Tuxedo Shirt at Next Table: Boy, I love my favorite white shirt. I hope nothing bad happens to my shirt.
me: I have not been this mortified since I showed my underwear to half of the Duke TIP program and all of their parents back in 7th grade.
wonderful friends: Um, so. How about that local sports team?
me: He's not usually like this, I swear. And you know it, because we spend about 20 hours with you a week, but I'm still mortified. And I suspect you won't dine in public with us until all of my children are 10 or wearing straitjackets.
Dr. Krog: Well, that was a charming dinner!
me: That must have been an awfully big margarita.
Dr. Krog, Yeah, it was! I had a lovely time!
me: Good. Keep drinking.