Sunday, February 28, 2010

we built this sh*tty

Wow. 4 days since my last blog entry. And I haven't been on vacation. Nope. I was busy, and then I pulled my neck and was crippled. Here's how it went:

Mom: (Thursday) Are you ready for this consignment sale, which we've tried to do twice but failed to due bizarre circumstances including walking pneumonia?

Me: Yeah, totally cool.

Me: (Friday) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOT ENOUGH TIME! Sh*t!

Me: (Saturday morning) Plenty of time.

Me: (late to the sale) AAAAAAAAH! (etc.) Also, my neck's a bit stiff.

Me: (picking up baby) SNAP. Oh, was that my neck?

Me: (walking around without moving my head or neck, feeling like Uncle Fester)

Me: Wow, this consignment sale is wickedly lame. There are, like, six people here.

Consumer: I want to buy this bag of toys for $2. Here is my $50 bill. And now, you're going to say, Oh, no, just take it, I don't have change. I am very clever. Ha ha!

Mom: Here's your $48 in change. Have a nice day.

Consumer: I have failed, and now I'm stuck with this bag of toys and 48 ones. Sh*t.

Me and Mom: HA HA HA!

Biscuit: It's time for ballet.

Me: Ballet was great. Now let's go get ChickfilA for grandma. Hi, I'd like a Chik-N-Strips Valu-Meel with fr00t and llemonaade, please. And lots of that crack-like ChickfilA sauce.

Mom: Why did you bring me bizarre little mini Chik-N-Biskits with ChickfilA sauce?

Me: CHICKFILA FAIL. Those guys are jerks. Sh*t.

My neck: I no longer function. You can't carry your kid or help reload the truck with all the sh*t you didn't sell. In fact, your recently-recovered-from-hip-surgery husband is going to have to move all of the sh*t you didn't sell. Oh, and I'd like a Five Guys burger, by the by.

Me: Sorry, Dr. Krog.

Dr. Krog's hip: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. OUCH. HOBBLE.

Dr. Krog: I will never let you forget this.

Mom: I spent all day trying to sell your sh*t to three people while reading a Michael Crichton book, and I won't even take any of your $66 as a reward, even though you made me eat Chik-N-Biskits. I am a saint. Now get your sh*t out of my attic.

Dad: Maybe when t.rex is 30, he'll come get this sh*t out of the attic.

Dr. Krog: Why do we have all this sh*t?

Me: We need to sell that sh*t so we can buy more sh*t.

Dr. Krog: Like what? What could we possibly need?

Me: Well at the good consignment sale today, I bought next year's clothes for the kids, a sequined headband, our fourth pink leotard, and two VHS cassettes featuring Disney princesses.

Dr. Krog: Sh*t.

My neck: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Me: Sh*t.

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

That sounds like the conversation I've had with my head, tummy and muscles this weekend.

JAvipot! said...

Your writing is seductora, very good!

Tracie said...

Between the ChickfilA and the Five Guys....I am hungry now.

Ever since I had a car accident a few years ago, I have had random neck problems......Ouch! I hope you are feeling better!

The big question is, did you spend more at the sale than you made (and the answer of course is yes...which is why they have these things!)

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I've never even seen a ChickfilA but I find the spelling of their store name fascinating. Do you say it like "Ole!" at the end?

And sorry about your neck. I get that too and it suuuuuccccccckkkkkssssssss. (p.s. so glad you've joined the CMP team! hope to meet you IRL someday)

Delilah S. Dawson said...

Actually, I sold $66 and bought $38, but that's mainly because I haunt the 75% off rack at SuperTarget every time I buy groceries.

Welcome, FOM! I'm loving CMP and I hope to meet everyone in real life one day, hopefully over cupcakes and margaritas. We pronounce it Chick-fuh-lay and usually follow that up with y'all.

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