Monday, February 22, 2010
unruly review: the golden compass
Light on the gold, heavy on the a$$.
The book? Awesome! Inspiring! Brilliant! Colorful! Rich! Maybe it's not the most inspiring prose every typed, but it draws the reader in and builds a solid, intriguing world.
The movie? Annoying, boring, lifeless, bland, ridiculous. At the climax, Dr. Krog looked at me and said, "I'M BORED."
Do you know how hard it is to bore Dr. Krog? He has to listen to me yap all the time, and play Go Fish with the Biscuit all the time. Heck, he even read her the entire book of Pocahontas tonight, something I have not yet managed to do without going into TL;DR mode.
It was like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy all over again, but without the delightfully droll voice of Alan Rickman.
It's about this little girl named Lyra.
She has a daemon, which is pronounced "demon", but it's not a demon, it's her soul, and his name is Pantywaist or something, and he's often a ferret. Then her uncle who's actually her father gives some old dude a fancy pocketwatch, and when the mean lady that's actually her mother shows up with a mustard-colored monkey, the old dude gives Lyra the pocketwatch. But it's not a pocketwatch, see, it's an alethiometer, which helps you read the truth which lots of little pictures and glittery special effects.
And many things in the movie are desperately unoriginal. Like...
The Great Hall in the "college" where Lyra was raised.
I started whistling the Harry Potter theme music for that one.
I'm not a very good whistler.
You may also recognize...
Seriously, guys. Not every magical city looks like steampunk England ate Florence during a sunset.
And there are zeppelins, you know. Loads of zeppelins.
But the best part is the panserbjorns. The armored bears. I was so excited to finally see Iorek Byrnison made flesh.
Oh, Golden Compass.
Or, as we now call it, Moldy Sucka$$.
Those three hours are gone from my life forever, all because I thought, "Hey, Dr. Krog would love this book, but he's too busy working, teaching kids to choke each other, writing a book, being an awesome father and husband, and watching South Park reruns to really enjoy it. I know-- I'll rent the movie!"
More foolish words were never spoken.
Except maybe for that time when I said, "Hey, let's go see Van Helsing!"
Or, "Hey, this recipe for pork chops and cabbage in Real Simple looks tasty!"
Or possibly, "I'll surprise Dr. Krog with a new cat!"
I may need to attempt to be less impulsive.
Thank you, Moldy Sucka$$, for a proper chastening.
In conclusions, READ. THE. BOOK. BURN. THE. MOVIE.