Thursday, February 4, 2010

grouchy virago speaks

I hereby proclaim myself a grouchy virago this morning.*

I'm still behind on sleep thanks to Monday's norovirus. For the record, I may never ingest baguette with ham and cheese again. Or dog food, apparently, judging by what appeared to be a lone kibble.

We mothers develop stomachs of iron. It feels perfectly natural to sit in a crowded restaurant with a baby in your lap discussing the colors of bowel movements and the smell of spit-up. It's just shop talk, like Dr. Krog discussing people he choked unconscious. It's what moms do.

I remember when I was younger, and I didn't mind getting sick. Hell, sometimes, I welcomed it. Getting sick meant sleeping in, watching TV, and having my mom bring me whatever food and drink I desired with just a ring of a bell. It was like a slightly achy vacation.

Back then, as my mom fulfilled my every request for ginger ale floats, I had no idea how horrible illness is for caretakers. Caring for the patient is like having a 7th job, and after all that, there's a 90% chance that Mom will get sick, too, because she has been bathed in gummy, germy kisses.

And when a mom is sick, there is no rest. No naps. No homemade chicken soup.** Being sick is just another job, and when you recover enough, you get to clean up the mess that accumulated while you were sick, all while on a worse sleep deficit than usual.

I sometimes want to start a website to halt teen pregnancy called www.dontgetpregnantyo.com, and I would post a picture of me at 4am on Monday, nursing a screaming baby while dehydrated and covered in barf, with my face covered in blotchy, burst blood vessels. I'd alternate that sort of picture with STDs and stretch marks.

And then I'd buy stock in GlaxoSmithKline and watch the dollarz roll in, yo.




* Note: This is a rant against illness, not against partners and children. In my family, Daddy works hard to take care of the family and can't stay home to watch the kids and make homemade chicken soup, and I don't expect him to do that. I'd rather he keep his job so that I can stay home and eat bonbons all day.***

** Dr. Krog brought me McDonald's when I was able to eat again. He's very fine.

*** I don't actually eat bonbons, but you know what I mean.

3 comments:

Alissa said...

They just did some new study that shows that abstinence education works with teens, imagine how much more successful it would be when used in conjunction with www.dontgetpregnantyo.com.

Jennifer said...

Did you see the post the other day by Barefoot Foodie about "Less Jesus More Taint" and teenage pregnancy. The two of you could totally go into business with that.

Jamie said...

I think you might be on to something....