Wednesday, February 24, 2010

10 unfortunatenesses

10 Unfortunate Facts about Motherhood

1. If your husband is working from home and on an important call, your children will choose that exact moment to have a raging, screaming cryfest over the fact that he stole the batteries from their favorite toy to use in his XBOX controller. Sadly, he will not appreciate the irony.

2. When you manage to defy the universe and sneak in an extra hour of sleep, it's on the day that your kid is the Big Chicken at school and needs some major face washing. With 10 minutes to go, she needs to wear a Big Chicken Outfit, which involves a dress that is two sizes two small and in the dirty clothes. By the time you cobble together a decent outfit that she'll actually wear, you've run out of time to swipe your armpits with a baby wipe and brush the coffee out of your clenched teeth.

3. You get to enjoy a freshly cleaned room for 3 seconds before broken bicycle helmets, dirty socks, and the Lady Gaga CD insert are splattered across the floor. And don't even get me started on how fast laundry piles up when your daughter changes clothes three times a day so her "legs can get a little bit of air".

4. You'd really like to sell all of your old baby things, but you don't have time to sort, price, display, and sell them because you're too busy watching your babies, who are busy outgrowing their current clothes.

5. When your husband hands you a $10 dollar bill, your first thought is, "Oh, good, now I can buy him that hamburger he keeps asking for."

6. You are now on your 147th pair of $9.99 sunglasses from TJ Maxx because nothing makes your baby quite as happy as breaking $9.99 sunglasses. Although he might expand to $16.99 sunglasses, if you use that $10 for an upgrade.

7. You can tell the time between 1am and 6am by how crusty your eyes are and how full the baby's diaper is, and you have vivid, breathtaking dreams about what it would be like to sleep until 9am.

8. You no longer crave Haagen Daaz gourmet ice cream, because then your kids would ask for it. Instead, you get a hankerin' for Chickfil-A Ice Dream because you can get it in the drive-thru and eat it while driving before they realize that you even had a treat.

9. You get a hair cut based on how well it will grow out over the next six months, and when you actually bother to paint your toenails, you choose a color that will dry quickly and fade in an attractive and unnoticeable manner while not staining your nails.

10. You are constantly surprised by the things that come out of your mouth, such as, "Please don't show your parts at the table," "Maybe you could put that booger on your shoe until I'm done shopping," and "Don't do jiujitsu on your brother or he'll smack you with his lightsaber."

And now it's time to wrestle my caffeinated octopus of a sleep-deprived toddler into an unwanted nap while I try to read as much of my book as possible.

Speaking of which, have you read Scott Westerfeld's Uglies series for young adults? It's captivating.


Jennifer said...

Funniest conference call I was ever on was when my manager was working at home and one of the kids took the other one's bicycle helmet and all hell broke loose. Man, I can still recall it and laugh about it and that was way over five years ago.

McMom said...

Be careful of #4. You should always keep one box of baby things, or maternity clothes, in the back of your closet. It acts as a form of birth control. Take it from someone who got rid of ALL the baby things.

Anonymous said...

You want to sell baby things. I am in the market for baby things. What items might you be selling? Btw, I love your blog! Beautiful family!

Alice Istanbul said...

The last sentence in #3, ha ha ha :)
I can't wait to get rid of the attic full of baby things that we're holding on to.

Finn's Mom said...

I enjoyed that series as well. I just managed to get a big pile of stuff together to sell and it ended up being such an unbelievable pain to do - with my toddler fussing the whole time. I am not sure it could possible sell for enough to make it worth the hassle.

Anonymous said...

I love your spin on everyday life with small children. My boys are 13 & 16 now, but I remember all too well when I had days that resemble most of your posts about the kids. Pretty soon they will be teens and one will be innocently sitting on the couch watching TV and the other will walk through the room, and without even looking at the other say, "fag" and the other will shoot back "freakin' queer" without even batting an eyelash.

LeahKS said...

RE: #8
Yes! I'm not the only adult who is selfish with their frozen treats! If I get ice cream, I get the little pints for my husband and myself. I make sure we eat them at the same time b/c The Boy will go to Daddy every time.

veganf said...

IME it takes 18 months after each baby to regain some reading time again. And by that time, they're sleeping well and all you want to do is catch up on missed sleep instead.

Helen40 said...

Great post. I can identify with all this so well!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog and must say Scott Westerfield is a fav author of mine. His uglies series is excellant and he has a new book out that I'm itching to read called Leviathan or something like that.