10 Unfortunate Facts about Motherhood
1. If your husband is working from home and on an important call, your children will choose that exact moment to have a raging, screaming cryfest over the fact that he stole the batteries from their favorite toy to use in his XBOX controller. Sadly, he will not appreciate the irony.
2. When you manage to defy the universe and sneak in an extra hour of sleep, it's on the day that your kid is the Big Chicken at school and needs some major face washing. With 10 minutes to go, she needs to wear a Big Chicken Outfit, which involves a dress that is two sizes two small and in the dirty clothes. By the time you cobble together a decent outfit that she'll actually wear, you've run out of time to swipe your armpits with a baby wipe and brush the coffee out of your clenched teeth.
3. You get to enjoy a freshly cleaned room for 3 seconds before broken bicycle helmets, dirty socks, and the Lady Gaga CD insert are splattered across the floor. And don't even get me started on how fast laundry piles up when your daughter changes clothes three times a day so her "legs can get a little bit of air".
4. You'd really like to sell all of your old baby things, but you don't have time to sort, price, display, and sell them because you're too busy watching your babies, who are busy outgrowing their current clothes.
5. When your husband hands you a $10 dollar bill, your first thought is, "Oh, good, now I can buy him that hamburger he keeps asking for."
6. You are now on your 147th pair of $9.99 sunglasses from TJ Maxx because nothing makes your baby quite as happy as breaking $9.99 sunglasses. Although he might expand to $16.99 sunglasses, if you use that $10 for an upgrade.
7. You can tell the time between 1am and 6am by how crusty your eyes are and how full the baby's diaper is, and you have vivid, breathtaking dreams about what it would be like to sleep until 9am.
8. You no longer crave Haagen Daaz gourmet ice cream, because then your kids would ask for it. Instead, you get a hankerin' for Chickfil-A Ice Dream because you can get it in the drive-thru and eat it while driving before they realize that you even had a treat.
9. You get a hair cut based on how well it will grow out over the next six months, and when you actually bother to paint your toenails, you choose a color that will dry quickly and fade in an attractive and unnoticeable manner while not staining your nails.
10. You are constantly surprised by the things that come out of your mouth, such as, "Please don't show your parts at the table," "Maybe you could put that booger on your shoe until I'm done shopping," and "Don't do jiujitsu on your brother or he'll smack you with his lightsaber."
And now it's time to wrestle my caffeinated octopus of a sleep-deprived toddler into an unwanted nap while I try to read as much of my book as possible.
Speaking of which, have you read Scott Westerfeld's Uglies series for young adults? It's captivating.