Monday, January 18, 2010

moar or less?

I had a fantastic time tonight meeting Kristen of Mominatrix and Cool Mom Picks, and I was reminded of a question I've been meaning to ask.

If you're a mother, how have you changed as a person after having children?

If you're a dude, just skip to the movie review below. This one's for the ladies. If you're my mom, stop reading, because I'm going to type the word "vagina" in a minute.

Kristen was speaking to a local Moms of Multiples group about her new book, the Mominatrix's Guide to Sex. And although the word "vagina" came up several times, that wasn't the main thrust of the discussion. Her point was that in writing the book, which I can't wait to read, a common thread popped up again and again.

Yes, thrusting and popping up in a paragraph about a sex book. Go ahead and titter.

She pointed out that possibly the biggest factor influencing a mom's sex life is not toys or thongs or her husband's four-pack*. It's how she feels about herself. Whether she feels in control, or pretty, or fat, or tired, or greasy. Whether she's thought about buying a new bra in the last year. Whether she's taking care of herself mentally and making her needs known. Whether she feels cherished and appreciated.

All the Hitachi Magic Wands in the world can't help a girl if she's not in a good place emotionally and physically, and caring for children can make it even harder to get there. I think most new moms go through a phase where they aren't quite who they used to be, but they're not sure who they are now. You just wake up one day with this tiny person attached to you like a leech, and say, "Great, but what now?"

Figuring out the 'what now' part has been one of the best journeys of my life so far, and I feel really fortunate to have found a new passion and have such a supportive family. Sure, I've had my little fits of despair. But being a mom has made me a better person, and it somehow has nothing to do with my children.

That's why the banner at the top says "writer, artist, wife, mom, goof". It made me who I am, but it's not all that I am.

But I'm grateful.

And I'm not telling you one cotton-pickin' thing about my sex life, so quit being nosy, mom.

* Shout out to Dr. Krog's four-pack! Woooooo!


Runs with Granchildren said...

I was a grownup and a mom way before you were! And, I'm not as naive as you think...I'm very proud of how in touch with your mind & body you have become. I adore you, child!

Katiri said...

Amazing post, D! Timely, too.

veganf said...

Meh, nope. How I feel about myself and sex don't really go together for me, nor has having kids affected sex much, except the stupid muffin top jiggle. Of course I've changed since having 4 kids, and I've had to adopt different hobbies that don't clash with family life, but that's life. I do remember a bit of a "me" crisis after baby #1, but the mama instincts took over and the rest was history.

Jennifer said...

I totally agree with her. I feel fat, dumpy, tired, unappreciated, overwhelmed and in no mood for sex at all. I know my dh is unhappy and that makes me even more depressed and less likely to even think about sex. It's a huge vicious cycle and we aren't doing all that well at getting out of this rut.

Delilah S. Dawson said...

That's what the Mominatrix book is all about! Realistic discussion of how to feel sexy when you can barely function. I'm really enjoying it!

EttyOop said...

I'll have to read that Mominatrix book. I waver. Like a couple months ago, when I was trying on clothes and looked in the fitting room mirror at Ann Taylor Loft. Then I went on a diet. Because I HATED MY BODY and wanted to vomit. Nevermind that between work and commute I'm out of my house for 11 hours a day. Nevermind that I was bloating because of having my visitor for the first time in 2.5 years (pregnancy and nursing....). I started to cry in the fitting room. And there was NO romance going on for weeks after. Because I felt unattractive and projected that...

Also, I need to send a great big *HUG* to Jennifer, because it's sucky to feel like that all the time. :-(