Tuesday, November 3, 2009
what i am
I consider myself to be a very mutable, adaptable creature.
I have changed my name a few times. I don't feel stuck to any of them. I like this one because it's pretty and alliterative and has a nice flow to it.
I have worked in several different industries. I have worn uniforms and smocks and spiky heels. I never felt like I found my true calling.
In the last five years, I suddenly came to love sweet potatoes, pumpkin, and salsa. Before this revolution, I would not have ingested a single bite of any of 'em for $100.
My art changes. My writing changes. My music tastes change. I have a way of forgetting the bad things that happened and embellishing the good things. I laugh in the face of... well.... pretty much anything, really.
Getting married made me pliable and humble. Taught me how to compromise. And why.
Having children made me patient. And calm. And unselfish.
Maybe not unselfish. Maybe... more able to smash down the selfish part of myself.
And I'm finding that writing is making me tenacious and ambitious for the first time in my life.
I've never been ambitious. At all. When I was high school Valedictorian, my main plan was to go to college and have fun doing some art. When I was working, I wasn't trying to climb the ladder. I didn't want to be the boss. I don't want to be president of any volunteer groups. I've always just aimed to be content and try to eliminate worry and fuss from my life.
But now that I have begun to think of myself as a writer, as a serious writer, I'm desperate to become a published author. I'm already thinking of myself as an author, willing it into being with the power of my mind and my hope and my blooming tenacity. But I've never attacked any venture as difficult and soul-smashing as the publishing world. I've been offered every job for which I've ever interviewed, and the interview process of landing an agent is just dreadful.
And to be told, again and again, through form rejection or helpful feedback or painful indifference, that I can't have I want is driving me f'ing bonkers. I've never actively sought something difficult, something challenging, something that I knew would wound me.
But I'm doing it. I'm fighting it. I'm going to mold reality just by knowing that I'm going to make it happen. I know it's going to happen. I'm going to combine my usual blind hope and happy-go-lucky attitude with this odd, new determination, and I'm gonna thrash that dogsled all the way to the promised land.
I'm just sayin'. I've become something different again, and I can't wait to see where it goes.