Tuesday, November 3, 2009

what i am


I consider myself to be a very mutable, adaptable creature.

I have changed my name a few times. I don't feel stuck to any of them. I like this one because it's pretty and alliterative and has a nice flow to it.

I have worked in several different industries. I have worn uniforms and smocks and spiky heels. I never felt like I found my true calling.

In the last five years, I suddenly came to love sweet potatoes, pumpkin, and salsa. Before this revolution, I would not have ingested a single bite of any of 'em for $100.

My art changes. My writing changes. My music tastes change. I have a way of forgetting the bad things that happened and embellishing the good things. I laugh in the face of... well.... pretty much anything, really.

Getting married made me pliable and humble. Taught me how to compromise. And why.

Having children made me patient. And calm. And unselfish.

Maybe not unselfish. Maybe... more able to smash down the selfish part of myself.

And I'm finding that writing is making me tenacious and ambitious for the first time in my life.

I've never been ambitious. At all. When I was high school Valedictorian, my main plan was to go to college and have fun doing some art. When I was working, I wasn't trying to climb the ladder. I didn't want to be the boss. I don't want to be president of any volunteer groups. I've always just aimed to be content and try to eliminate worry and fuss from my life.

But now that I have begun to think of myself as a writer, as a serious writer, I'm desperate to become a published author. I'm already thinking of myself as an author, willing it into being with the power of my mind and my hope and my blooming tenacity. But I've never attacked any venture as difficult and soul-smashing as the publishing world. I've been offered every job for which I've ever interviewed, and the interview process of landing an agent is just dreadful.

And to be told, again and again, through form rejection or helpful feedback or painful indifference, that I can't have I want is driving me f'ing bonkers. I've never actively sought something difficult, something challenging, something that I knew would wound me.

But I'm doing it. I'm fighting it. I'm going to mold reality just by knowing that I'm going to make it happen. I know it's going to happen. I'm going to combine my usual blind hope and happy-go-lucky attitude with this odd, new determination, and I'm gonna thrash that dogsled all the way to the promised land.

Or something.

I'm just sayin'. I've become something different again, and I can't wait to see where it goes.

35 comments:

Caroline D. said...

Just this: you inspire me.

Ericka said...

Expose that raw nerve to the world. Rage against fading into the porch light of suburban life. Change as the seasons move you. And know that you are already a writer, being published is just the punctuation at the end of that sentence.

Cleo's Nina said...

You were never a quitter (except for soccer...Mom & Dad weren't too fond of that either)! We have always been so proud of you...but it looks like you're just beginning to approach your "peak". It's gonna be so much fun to watch!
luv
mom

maya said...

I am relating so much my stomach hurts. Good luck.

Hänni said...

Hello, long time lurker here. I want you to know that I think what you're doing is a very brave and worthwhile pursuit. It has been my dream to write a book ever since I could write, the rejection you're talking about has held me back from even starting. I am curious to see where your journey will go, and as for my own, I'm taking some writing classes in the new year to help build my confidence.

Shaunells Hair said...

You sing your song and love being who you are, which is clearly a writer! I enjoyed your message, and congratulate you on striving to do what you feel is you. Blogging is our creative outlet, and thank heavans for it!!
:) Loved it today!
Hi from SITS. Hang in there with the little monster--i have some of my own.

Gabrielle said...

Love this post, real, funny and very inspiring! I'm glad to find you through SITS!

Millennium Housewife said...

Let it go and it'll come! x

Cynthia said...

You go, Girl.

Anonymous said...

I am so excited for you. I can just feel that good things are gonna happen! I'm waiting to hear back from my friend. We are at the in-laws/Disney World right now and she might have emailed me so I'll let you know when I get home.

Jennifer

Alicia Istanbul said...

You can do this, Delilah. I'm here in the cheerleading section shouting you on. Rah rah rah!

Widge said...

congrats on the spotlight! cool blog, i'm gonna have to follow :)

Lisa Petrarca said...

Wow, I'm impressed...you go girl! Reach for your dream. You have obviously finally found your one true passion.

I'm sure you will make it happen.

Congrats on your SITS day!

Complicated Mama said...

Congrats on being featured on SITS.

LOve the blog and all your caption pictures! :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I came over from SITS, and I just have to tell you I really like your blog! I love the way you write.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

Good luck on your journey to being published! An alternative to getting a publisher is to self-publish like I did. It just depends on your goals and your reasons for writing a book. Here's the one I used if you want to look into it:
www.outskirtspress.com

Congrats on your SITS day!

Momma G.Love said...

Happy SITS day!

Steph @ Stick It in the Fridge

pleasestickitinthefridge.blogspot.com

Christine said...

I think that you are exactly where you're meant to be. Doing it well, too.
Like a beautiful chameleon. Adapting to your surroundings and really immersed in the sum of your experiences.
Enjoy!!!

confused homemaker said...

Congrats on your SITs day! Reach for your goal, it's not a dream but a reality that you are working toward!

And are there people who like Jar Jar Binks??

Angelia Sims said...

I enjoyed this post. I can feel your frustration, but dogged pursuit is still intact.
I believe you will succeed! Keep on keeping on!

jules1219 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BlogBaby said...

Right on Sista' fight the good fight! I don't know you at all yet (I'm just stopping by from SITS) but I plan on poking around your blog some more today so that I can accurately judge you and rate you as a person, mother, wife, writer, and helpmeet. So far though me likey what me sees!

BlogBaby (YUP, a BABY who BLOGS!)

roadrunner201 said...

Happy SITS day!

Andrea said...

I am so with you on the Author thing! I have also been offered every job I have interviewed for and while I am a few steps away from contacting an agent, I feel the rejection just out there waiting for me! Keep on though and make it happen!

Also, I follow you now. You had 99 followers and I just had to bump you over to 100 ;-)

Jeannie Finelli, RN said...

Improving your work is always worthwhile, but TRY to blow off undue harshness. Mean people batter souls!

Tami G said...

I came over from SITS to check you out. I didn't want to comment on your first post, cause there were too many already - and I like to stand out! (HA HA)
Ok, but seriously...well I do - BUT I LOVE this post and just had to say something!! I am the SAME DAMN WAY!!!! LOVE it!!!!

Congrats on being YOU!
it's great

I love your blog and I'm a new follower! Can't wait to have time to read more of your old posts!

Have a great day!
Tami G

www.everydayingray.blogspot.com

Emmy said...

Good luck and never give up!
It is scary to put ourselves out there, especially if it is something we really like and want to do.
Congrats on being featured on SITS!

blogrock said...

i love that you "think" of yourself as an author already thats the way you do it right!

EttyOop said...

I realize that Caroline was the first commenter, and i really did read all the other comments and have things i was going to say myself...

but she said it best: you inspire me.

Scottish Lass said...

Why let the children make their own choices? Are they trying to make us unemployed?

Amber Reed said...

my first time to your blog - you made me laugh...I needed that!!

Mae said...

Congrats, SITSta! What a great, inspiring blog you've got here. I'll be back for more!

Peas Love Carrots

Erin M. said...

I love this. Your writing is incredible.

I'm stopping by from SITS and wanted to wish you a Happy SITS Day.

p.s. I'm your newest follower!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Hope you enjoyed your SITS day - I'm always late! I'm loving your blog!
(I was my high school valedictorian and I also aspire to be published...)

Kim said...

hee hee! Hope you had a great sits day!