Saturday, November 7, 2009

rage against the mamachine


You know what really makes me angry?

How angry I get sometimes.

Really.

And I'm not an angry person. But having children brought a new brand of rage into my life, and I'm suspecting this momrage is one of the Hidden Secrets of Motherhood. You know, where everybody feels it, everybody knows it, but no one admits it or talks about it?

That's okay. I'll talk about it.

There is nothing as infuriating as small children. Not traffic, not the DMV, not the fact that Dr. Krog and I went to four different stores today and couldn't purchase season 2 of Sealab 2021.

Nothing. And here's why.

1. They are needy. The more you need time alone to decompress, dress, work, eat, or perform simple bodily functions, the more needy and whiny they become. And when you have two of them, they are always needy at the same time. It's almost like they plan it. To drive you crazy.

2. They're rude. Even when you drill "please" and "thank you" into them, they will languish in your bed for an hour in a tutu and ballet slippers, watching a movie and lazily shouting "Mama! Mommy! Mom! Mom! I need milk! Mom! Help!", even after you've told them that you will ignore shouting and rudeness. Hell, even when you've shouted at the top of your lungs that you will ignore shouting.

3. They're helpful in the most annoying way possible. For example:

Biscuit: Mommy, the baby is climbing on the table! Get him!
me: Honey, I'm standing right here, in front of you, picking him up off of the table as you speak. Don't you trust me to take care of him?
Biscuit: No. Help him!

4. They have uncanny timing. When your grocery cart is full, they need to use the potty, and they're wearing a leotard that buttons up the back. When the room gets quiet, they choose to shout questions about why people are overweight, in wheelchairs, or possessing mustaches unusual in their gender.

5. When you push them away, they sense that you are pushing them away, and they crowd nearer. When you have an upset stomach, they want kisses. When you want to share special panda hugs with your significant other, they want to read a book about the Fuzzy Wuzzy Bears Go to Smooch-a-lot.

6. It rocks.

7. I don't know what #6 means. Dr. Krog sat down next to me and said, "Number six: IT ROCKS!", so I put it there to placate him.

8. They're greedy. They want everything. They want a treat at every outing, a cookie at every meal, and just one more of basically anything perceived as good. They don't understand moderation, gratefulness, or being humble.

And there's more, but we don't have all night. Don't forget pushy, whiny, emotionally fragile, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, and Doc.

Therefore, it's totally understandable that moms feel rage. We spend so much time with these raw, ego driven creatures, and it's imperative that we maintain patience and kindness no matter what. You can never, ever act on the rage but must constantly tamp it down, drown it, repress it, or release it into the cosmos.

Although I have been known to respond to the 10,000th repetition of "I want X" with "I didn't ask you what you wanted", which shocks some people. But I feel that my job as a mother is to raise a functional human being, and it's the truth. And it's said with kindness and as much patience as I can muster.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel rage, and I think it's normal. Maybe we should even tell new moms about it, so they won't cry themselves to sleep at night the first time they shriek "For the love of all that's holy, let me pee in private!" and make their toddler cry. Part of being a mom is feeling the rage and maintaining calm, continuing to guide our children with love and respect.

And then, possiby, screaming into a pillow during naptime.

32 comments:

thatgirlblogs said...

It doesn't end. You should see me shake my fist at my teenager.

laterg8r said...

we all get mom rage - but i still sometimes cry after i yell (i feel like a bad person when they look up at me with tears and say, "i'm sorry mommy!")

Emile said...

Amen, sista. I didn't really understand the rage until relatively recently. I'm not sure which did me in - having a 2nd kid or having a 2 year old.

Leslie said...

Meep!

Margaret said...

Wow that made me not want kids at all. I have enough rage now I can't imagine how bad kids would make it! Thanks for a good dose of birth control lol

I love reading your blog. Found you through SITS

Tracie said...

It is all so true (well, except #6...don't know if that is true or not!)

Tater Tot Mom said...

This is hilarious! I feel the momma rage too sometimes and I think I have perfected the quiet rage which works great in the store when you don't want everyone to think you're a crazy person!

kitrona said...

Dear gods, YES. THIS.

leigh said...

You are my new guilty pleasure. When I have a free moment, I have found myself exploring your Blog. I love it!

The last Blog that I dove into like this was Nie Nie's...do you know of her? (If not, go to Google and type in Nie Nie Dialogues, start from the begining and grab a box of tissues)

I digress...you rock!

Leigh

gardengirl said...

oh yes!!!!

Chanda @ The Eco-Cheap Mom said...

Here, here!

Why are there so many Hidden Secrets of Motherhood? Probably cause we would never procreate if we knew about them before hand!

Thanks for making me feel relatively normal. :)

Nonnie said...

Been there, lived through it. Now it makes me smile when I see my daughters coping with their children. Remember the Mother's Curse? "I hope that when you grow up you will have a child just like you!"

Chaotic Kristy said...

OMG I love this post, Everything is so true.

Jennifer said...

I totally have momrage. Way more than I think is normal, but maybe not. It is just so hard some times and the frustration level runs so high and I just can't seem to make it stop, but I do. And I'm so thankful that I do.

Miss Dot said...

Way to vent! I'll keep these in mind for when the Executive Cupcake Analyst and I decide to pop out kids of our own :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

You're pretty normal from my perspective. When they get older they overflow toilets and bring 14 friends home for dinner unannounced. The rage only festers.

Amber Page Writes said...

yep. we should definitely tell new moms that...it's amazing how unprepared we are for this whole mommyhood thing.

Proud to be Me-a wife, a mom, a student said...

There are no words other than YOU ROCK! Thank you for saying it outloud...I am now guilt free!!!

Jennifer said...

Wonderfully said and THANK YOU for saying it b/c just today I was wondering if something was wrong with me...

Merry Mack said...

I have lots of tears in my eyes. You speak the truth.

K a b l o o e y said...

See how much you're helping people? You provided free, 100% effective birth control to Margaret, you saved the sanity of many who thought it was just them, you made the Grinch's heart grow two sizes larger, you heaped some truth on the Universe, and that's always a plus. Thanks again to SITS for blowing me your way; now let's all have a toast and shout in unison "Mommy needs a time-out" as we sit on the toilet (closed seat) and drink a tasty beverage of our choice. Here's to you.

Chelle said...

Love it! I was laughing the whole way through!

And I thought I was the only one!

(found you through SITS--love your blog!)

Shelley said...

Girl, you nailed it. I spent months after my first child was born freaking outthat I was not normal. Even after all these years, I still find that every other mother looks so calm and collected and I feel like I want to drive into a tree if someone says moma one more time. Hence the name of my blog, I'm Changing My Name to Ouisa". Haha loved this post. Over from SITS. Congratulations on being a featured blogger.

Alicia Istanbul said...

Thank you for that. It's good to know we're not alone.

piecemeal people said...

Oh, sure. "Enraged" is just one of my many regular moods. Good, tired, loopy, bored, fine, OK, enraged.

T-Rex said...

I WANT A COOKIE! BRING ME A COOKIE!

Cleo's Nina said...

"Mother's Curse" times 2...sorry, Dude
luv
mom
PS...time to change my name from "Cleo's Nina" to "Runs with Grandkids"

Cleo's Nina said...

My Child Delilah, to add to my previous comment...To keep from "smacking you like a tennis ball" when you were 2, I locked you in your room, went outside and threw rocks until I tore my rotator cuff. It hurt like H***, but you were untouched. After I calmed down, we had a more rational "discussion". It's impossible to have the "goody" sucked out of you every day and NOT feel rage. Feeling it is what makes you human; NOT physically acting on it is what makes you a good parent. And, as you can see, you and I both survived! Your job is to teach your children to be responsible adults, and your are performing that calling with unsurpassed success.
luv
mom

Ms. Diva said...

Yea the mommy rage at a two year old is nothing compared to the mommy rage at teenagers!!! I don't think there is anything more god awful on this palnet then a hormonal teenage girl!!! Heaven help us(me!)

hotpants™ said...

I've been trying to calm the rage since it's visiting every single day.

Trish said...

Hilarious but true.....

Oh so true.....

Love your blog!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You speak the truth.