Monday, November 9, 2009

lunch fail: a screenplay


a screenplay by

Unruly Helpmeet

UNRULY HELPMEET (UH), an outrageously attractive young mother walks in with THE BISCUIT and T.REX, her frighteningly delightful children. They wait for 10 minutes.

You want buffet?

Yes, that sounds delicious.

(Waiter leaves. UH stands there like an idiot)

You want buffet?

Yes, that sounds delightful.

You sit. (Motions to highboy booth)

Could we sit lower to the ground? A high chair won't fit there, and my strapping young daughter would probably fall out and break something.

You sit. You want buffet?

We'll just sit at this table. Could I please have some chips and salsa?

Is on buffet. You go. Eat.

UH alks to the buffet and finds a rolling, arctic tundra of vast nothingness. Or, um, a collection of empty buffet casseroles. There is no salsa. Or food. Returns to table, sits down, drinks her water, feeds the baby kamut puffs while the Biscuit dissects a napkin with a butterknife. She does not see any waitstaff for 30 minutes.

You want buffet? Go!

I'm waiting for food. There's no food on the buffet. And could I get some chips and salsa, please?

We are out.

You have no chips and salsa? At a Mexican restaurant?

You want buffet? Go!


Can I have a cookie sort of quesadilla?

Old Man restocks the buffet slowly, one tray at a time while t.rex devours Cheerios and Kamut and reigns grainy terror on the floor. Waiter brings a "Kids Quesadilla" for the Biscuit, who begins wolfing it down and spraying rice around the restaurant. Unruly Helpmeet isn't very excited by the buffet but enjoys a taco, an enchilada, a chicken wing, and what's left of the soup. She stacks her dishes and silverware, cleans up the children, and holds her purse in a way that says LET ME OUT, NOW.

Here is chips and salsa.

You wait very long. You want plantains or flan? Is free. I feel bad you wait so long.

Oh, sure. I never turn down flan. Thanks!

UH eats salsa until her nose is running and she can't feel her tongue, then she cools her tongue off on the flan. She shares some cup-shaped custard companionably with the Biscuit, who thinks it's an inside out cupcake and wants extra sauce. Neither Old Man nor Waiter are seen for 30 minutes, and there is no longer any food over which to linger. Spiders begin building webs in her ears.

WAITER brings the check, which includes the "free" flan. UH pays the check with a debit card as she has now been held hostage at a "Speedy Gonzalez Lunch Buffet" for two hours.

Mommy, next time, let's just go to ChickfilA.

When you have a toddler and a baby, it doesn't pay to try new things.
Just go to your favorite restaurant, even if you're craving
salsa like total crazy insanity.


K a b l o o e y said...

Waiting for Godot: The Toddler Years

Becky said...

Oh, honey! Bless your heart! You must have REALLY wanted chips and salsa to wait that long. I would have left.

Anti-Supermom said...

This is exactly why you will find me at McDonalds on Fridays - the playland is my 'mommy me time!'

Jennifer said...

Do you have Frito Lay? The Frito Lay resturant style salsa is awesome and you don't have to endure a nightmare to get it.

Erin M. said...

Love this. Totally reminds me of Waiting for Godot! lol!

Now I'm craving Mexican food.

Leslie said...

Oh my, been there, have the receipt to prove it... At least no epic meltdowns, eh?

Little Birdie Secrets said...

Visiting from SITS. Great blog!

Alissa said...

Well, at least you got an entertaining blog post out of your ordeal.

Anonymous said...

Was Mickey Rooney your waiter?

Jamee said...

You poor thing! I definitely wouldn't have stayed!

charissimo said...

And Delilah conquers yet another medium.

By the way, *this* is just begging for a patented D critique:

Virginia Valerie said...

I come there right now and make you salsa.

Miss Dot said...

Genius. Pure genius. When does this go to film?

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Jennifer, I've never heard of Frito Lay, but if they provide restaurant-style salsa in a drive thru, I'd like to invest.

Val, yes, come here immediately. I have a fold-out sofa with your name on it and a bunch of books and clothes that you might find useful.

stinestrain said...

frito lay, as in the company that makes fritos. and lays. :P

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Ah. See, here I was hoping Frito Lay was some sort of awesome west-coast restaurant with good drive-thru salsa. Like Sushi Boy, where one can get drive-thru sushi.

Can you tell I don't spend much time in the chips and dip aisle? I've never had store-bought salsa that was better than meh.

Chelle said...

Ugh! What a pain...and I love how they snuck the flan onto your!