Monday, August 10, 2009

a midsummer night's scream

Did you know I used to be a fairy? It's true.

Several thousand years ago in another life, I was in high school, and I had very large eyebrows. I signed up for drama and attended my first audition, where it was determined that my talent for painting sets utterly eclipsed my talent on the stage, where I mostly tried to act like myself but louder.

I auditioned for Titania, Queen of the Fairies in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I was lucky to nab the part of Cobweb, aka Fairy #4 when the original actress broke her arm. My costume was a piece of gauze and a tutu over a purple J.Crew gingham bathing suit. But I painted some fabulously glittery trees and did some garish amateur face painting with lots of curlicues.

Oddly, fairies have returned to my life, and I'm just as conflicted about them as I was at sixteen.

For one thing, my child loves fairies. Loves her fairy costume, loves her fairy wings, loves the fairy magnets we bought her, hoping to hold her in one place for more than two minutes. The only way I can entice her to eat a quesadilla is to call it a "fairydilla" and let her help sprinkle on the "magic cheese glitter". I try to balance the fairies out with some nice, swashbuckling pirates, but it's obvious that she prefers the costume with sparkles and wings to the one with the eyepatch and hook-hand.

For another thing, I begin to suspect that I now live with a changeling child placed here by fairies to repay me for torturing my own mother in my youth. The Biscuit has always been quiet, polite, helpful, and thoughtful, but in the last two weeks, she has become a sort of willful force of nature. The tyrranical three-year-old in her is awakening, and I spend a lot of my time flummoxed by the best way to nurture her independent spirit without throttling her.

She doesn't want to eat my food. She doesn't want to do anything that I propose. She claims that she doesn't love me... until she gets hurt doing something outrageously foolish that I've told her specifically NOT to do 431 times and starts crying for Mommy. She wants to love her brother, but her version of "love" involves a lot of grievous bodily harm and angry screaming. And I can't take her to a playground to run the energy and jerkiness out of her, because it's 98 degrees out there.

Yesterday, she hugged me with such explosive violence that I now have a split lip. She was wearing a tutu and ballet slippers at the time.

So here's the time line: i was an annoying child --> I made a bad fairy --> My perfect child was replaced by a changeling child by malevolent fairies --> My child wishes to be a fairy --> My child beats me up dressed as a fairy.

In the immortal words of Oberon, and I'm paraphrasing here,
"Don't f*ck with the fairies, because Titania will mess you up, yo".


Housewife Savant said...

That's some mad paraphrasing skills.

Perhaps I should give Shakespeare another chance. I didn't picture Oberon as such as B.A.

In lew of cheese to bribe your little sprite to eat what's offered, try nonpareils. They make every food into party... er, fairy food.

Caroline D. said...

I promise to never fuck with the fairies. This is like an after-school-special moment for me.

ps I am now a little afraid of the biscuit.

laterg8r said...

i wouldn't Fudge with fairies or toddlers either - probably both will bite you !!

EttyOop said...

I agree with Caroline. Completely!

Also? My Livvie is just about 15 months. I'm already terrified about the threes... I remember them from the older two and... I'm scared. But I promise, it doesn't last forever. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

And ouch on the split lip! Just, in the future, try to make sure that your nose is not in range of the flying head during mad, crazy hugs. Accidental huggy headbutting can cause broken noses to a mommy. Don't ask me how I know this. Just trust me.

Bob Q. Public said...

I went to your play. I don't remember much of it. I think I went with Dan.

Also, I think they should let you choose the word that I have to write for verification. FYI.

Anonymous said...

First, there's nothing wrong with fairies. IF you're worried about how girly she gets, tell her about bad-ass elves. Remember the archer from Gautlet? Yeah, I'm a nerd.

As for the changeling thing, keep repeating to your self, "It's only a phase." That or leave her outside during a full moon with cookies.