After reading yesterday's post, talking to the handsome psychologist in my bed, and reading the comments and personal messages I received, I pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm depressed. So I cruised through last year's blog entries to see if I was depressed last summer, which I was. I'm beginning to think that I suffer from Australian SAD. Most people get Seasonal Affective Disorder in Winter, when it's cold and dreary and they don't get enough sunshine. But I appear to get depressed in Summer when it's hot and bright and I shun the sun.
What can I say? I'm a rebel.
I've had several episodes of situational depression in my life. I tried Zoloft once, but it made me twitchy and chewy, and I got really sick of eating pens. Luckily, as soon as I realize that I am depressed, for lack of a better word, I am better able to function and combat the inertia. Just being able to name the enemy gives me a certain power.
And therefore, Dr. Krog and I have a new motto: Inertia is the Enemy.
I feel fortunate to have this blog as a diary, soapbox, scrapbook, and general means of mass communication and commiseration. As sorry as I am that so many mothers share my sense of difficulty, I am thankful that we have found each other and can reassure each other that this feeling is normal.
I was raised to be the sort of person who shouldn't need help nor ask for it. When Dr. Krog and I were dating, it took him about three years to teach me how to say, "Could you please stop at the next gas station before I pee myself?" instead of just looking nervous, sighing dramatically, and crossing my legs in desperation during road trips. It took me five years to learn how to ask him to stop for food.
But a good friend read my blog post yesterday, picked up the phone, and called to see if I was okay. And she offered to host my child at her house today for a few hours while I did whatever I needed to do, which was to turn up the AC and jump in bed with a book and a sick, sleepy baby and doze in blissful silence. And *then*, when I went to pick up my extremely happy child, she fed me what is probably the healthiest meal I've had in a week, because when I get depressed, I turn to sugar. And, in this case, sugar cookies.
If being a mother has taken away certain aspects of my life that I miss, it has added one enormous boon: friendships. Before having children, I had trouble connecting with other women. But Motherhood brought me together with incredible and inspiring women, both in my own neighborhood and around the country. People I've never met are a regular part of my life, whether through forums, blogs, or Facebook. And on the worst days, just knowing that I'm not alone does wonders.
So if you're reading this, THANK YOU! If you commented or PM'ed or emailed, THANK YOU! And to Ericka, REALLY, REALLY THANK YOU!
I think that's enough emotional claptrap. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled buffoonery soon, possibly as early as dinner tonight.
P.S. Also, a great big shout-out of thanks to my MOM, who fed us lunch yesterday and spent two hours chasing my son while I jumped on a trampoline with the Biscuit. Nina takes good care of us, yes she does.