Tuesday, August 11, 2009


The Biscuit: Mommy, I am hungry.
Me: What do you want?
The Biscuit: I want more cheese.
(I look at the trail of shredded cheese from the kitchen to the couch to the little couch to her foot.)
Me: Okay, but you have to sit at the kitchen table to eat your cheese.
The Biscuit: No.
Me: So what do you want then?
The Biscuit: Grapes.
Me: We don't have any grapes.
The Biscuit: Yes we do. I will show you.
(She opens the fridge and points to 2-week-old mummified grapes.)
Me: You don't want to eat those, dude. They are old and gross.
The Biscuit: Yeah, I do. Grapes are yummy.
Me: Those grapes are so old and nasty that the California Raisins wouldn't hire them as nannies. Let me just throw those away, because I'm the sort of mom who's totally on top of things. What else do you want? How about an apple?
The Biscuit: Yeah, an apple!
(I take out an apple, wash it, cut it up, hand her the biggest piece.)
The Biscuit: NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLES!!
Me: You just said you wanted it.
The Biscuit: No, I don't. I just want a peach.
Me: They're not ripe. Eat this apple.
The Biscuit: No, I don't. I just want... I just want... a cookie.
Me: Not gonna happen.
The Biscuit: I just want a avocado.
Me: Great! Let me get--
The Biscuit: No, I don't like avocados anymore. But I like strawberries again.
Me: We don't have strawberries.
The Biscuit: I just want a plum. Plums are my favorite.
Me: Here is the apple I have already cut for you. If you eat it, you can have a plum.
The Biscuit: No, I don't really like apples. They are yucky.
Me: Fine, spazz. I'm going to go eat this apple.
The Biscuit: NO, I WANT IT!!!!! And also the green things. The green mushrooms. The cheesy things. With the yellow stuff inside the green mushrooms. It's called dee-doo-dee-doo-zeeeeeee!
Me: )(&U*(^*%^&$&???

Toddler FTW, eh?


Anonymous said...


Just shoot me, seriously. That dialogue is from my house, times 3.


M family said...

Yeah, "Mommy will (insert action here)" usually works in our house as well.

EttyOop said...

ok, a) this sounds so freakin' familiar i could cry. mind you, my son is yeeeeears older than biscuit. so perhaps a bit more accurate... then again, not so much.

b) ok, maybe i'm just being dense but what the hell are the green cheesy mushroomy things????

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Dude, WE HAVE NO IDEA. We do not know what she was talking about. Nothing in the fridge or pantry remotely fits the bill.

My kid is teh craxy.

charissimo said...

Oh. MA. GA. Ripped from the headlines of my life right now.

Oozing with empathy.

jarvenpa said...

Lord, Dee, you bring back the days that should have made my hair turn grey, only I have excellent non-greying genetic heritage. My first born just loved the "now I HATE that" ploy. We still mutually recall the huge meltdown over the "I want curly eggs" thing. Neither of us now knows what curly eggs are or were.
We survived.

Housewife Savant said...

We have dee-doo-dee-doo-zeeeeeee here all the time. It's easy to make, and a true pleaser every time.

tartchef said...

Well. It's good to know we're not the only house that got THAT memo. We also seem to be on the distro list for the reversible WANT/DO NOT WANT continuum: "Do you want X?" "NO, I don't want X!" "OK, I'll put it away, then..." "I WAAAAANT X! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" "O_o Where's that bottle of Hendrick's?"

Cool Mom Picks said...

aaahh, sweet tyranny.

Anonymous said...

Seriously. WTF.
But at least you get I wants. My son is trying to sustain a diet of juice, p,b & j sandwiches, noodles, watermelon, and cookies.