Sunday, June 14, 2009

totally grody to the max

Let me start off with a cliche: Life ain't pretty.

Neither is parenthood.

I currently have something under my right pinkie nail that matches the shade of green in the frame up there, and i'm not telling you what it is, because then you'll never shake hands with me again.

What can I say? I have a baby who likes pears.

In any case, I thought I would share some ugly things with you, because I think society as a whole is terrified of being ugly. That's one reason I share so many horrible pictures of myself on this blog-- i'm trying to get over that sort of vanity. I'd rather get a laugh than perpetuate the notion that people are supposed to be pretty and humble and just sit around being boring all the time.

First of all, there are the smoothies I make after I shred. They're so ugly, they're beautiful.

Like baby warthogs.

That's from tonight. 1/2 mango, 1 nectarine, 1/4c blueberries, a stalk of kale, ice, almond milk, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder. Not actually terrible. Like peach ice cream spilled in a bed of ivy, maybe.

Here's another one.

That one, if I remember correctly, included a nectarine, half a banana, some frozen strawberries, a handful of baby spinach, a stalk of kale, and some 100% OJ. It was like sucking grass through a fruit-flavored straw. It stuck in the teeth a bit. Mmmm.

I also made one that was brown and looked like Polyjuice Potion, but it did not turn me into Jillian Michaels, or Jillian Anderson, or Anthony Michael Hall. It was, in fact, in no way magical. Quite gloppy, though. The idea is that by the time i'm done shredding, i'm so hungry, thirsty, and sweaty that almost anything cold would go down well.

That's the idea, at least.

But in case the Swamp Thang smoothies aren't ugly enough for you, here's a bag of hair.

My best friend from childhood stopped by to give me a totally kickass haircut in my own sunroom. It was the most fun haircut i've ever gotten, because instead of listening to the skinniest girl at Toni & Guy telling me about her drunken three-way with her roomate and car-stealing boyfriend, I got to catch up on 12 years of lost time and laugh at the same crap that made me laugh 12 years ago.

And did I mention the TOTALLY KICKASS HAIRCUT?

So, tomorrow: pics of haircut, and story of the Biscuits's Dearest Dream Come True, Except She'd Rather Just Go Inside and Watch Care Bears, Please.

With pictures. That aren't gross.


MindfulMama said...

I can't wait to see your haircut!

Virginia Valerie said...

Ooh I can't wait for pics!!

Also, the word verification today is "urrinada" which I think what your pina colada turns into if your kid makes it for you.

Anonymous said...

You kept the hair?