Friday, June 26, 2009


I'm trying to bring the "truth in advertising" back to fine celebrity scents.

And it's all because of Tim McGraw.

I don't know who the feller is, although I suspect country music must play into the equation. I was reading a US Weekly OK People magazine today, courtesy of my dear friend Christine, and I came across an ad for a new cologne called simply "MCGRAW".

Isn't that an evocative name? McGraw?

And here's the ad, with a little bit of my own marketing.

Honestly, since I don't know who the guy is, and since I therefore don't have any personal associations with him, I have no idea what this whiskey-colored concoction might smell like. I'm guessing whiskey, saddle leather, and plush recording studios? All I *do* know is that when I hear the word "McGraw", I instantly think of McGruff, the Crime Dog, and visions of slobbery, wet bloodhounds come to mind. That's probably not the image they hoped to paint.

And then there's our old friend Gwyneth, who takes time out of her busy schedule (telling the world what to do on her blog and torturing the genius from Chris Martin) to frolic with puppies on the beach and hang out with foodstuffs in a make-believe garden.

Sorry the text is so small. That chick won't shut up.

I wore Pleasures in college, and Dr. Krog still remembers it fondly, although now it just makes me think of depression and old ladies.

Lastly, for today, because I am exhausted and have been battling a sadly caffeinated baby for 2 hours and am too tired to attack Celine Dion and Mariah Carey tonight, I present you with the person voted Least Likely To Smell Attractive by Everyone In My House.

Pretend I hadn't cut off the word "like" after "smells". Please.

You know how in Mean Girls, Janice smells Lindsay Lohan's character and sneers in disgust, saying, "You smell like a baby prostitute!"?

That's what I imagine "believe" must smell like.

I just can't imagine wanting to smell like Britney Spears, even before the head-shaving-barefoot-in-the-truck-stop-bathroom phase. I think this would make a fabulous gift for someone you hate, but you don't want them to know you hate them. It's the gift that keeps on hating.

Tomorrow: Part II of my riveting rebranding of atrocious celebrity perfumes. Paris Hilton in fairy wings will star prominently.


Virginia Valerie said...

I actually have been wondering what to give those people I secretly hate. Thanks! I'll start making a list now.

charissimo said...

I think McGraw is going after the Brokeback Mountain demographic.

3rdEyeMuse said...

you made coffee come out of my nose!

(uh, I mean, "thank you for making me laugh".)

Anonymous said...

I was going to say something about McGraw. But I'm just too distracted by the Britney Spears perfume. Really? Really?
I can't wait on part II and, I assume, part III

Caroline D. said...

you are a photoshopping genius. Thanks for letting me know what is REALLY going on in those ads.