I played blogscotch this morning and landed on a blog i'd never heard of before, by someone i've never met to whom i'm not going to link. But she's in the "funny mom" genre and has loads of followers and comments, so she's apparently well-liked and respected.
But one post just irked me.
The post in question was about "Woman as a Second Language" and had several "translations" of what a woman says vs. what a man hears, the sort of thing to which other moms are supposed to shake their heads wryly and say, "Yeah, girl, that's so true!" But it reminded me more of watching Married with Children and trying to figure out who you hate more, Peg or Al, and deciding that they just deserve each other.
For example, and to paraphrase:
You say: I'm going to the drugstore to pick up some "supplies".
He hears: I'm going to spend an hour laboring over which feminine hygiene products I need to adequately stem my horribly bloody flow that makes me into an untouchable.
What you really mean: I'm going to Starbucks to enjoy a grande skinny caramel latte and an almond biscotti while you unknowingly watch the kids.
Here's what I say to that: barf.
Here's a novel idea: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.
If men are hearing the wrong thing, perhaps it's because you're not saying the right thing. You're not being truthful. You're not trusting that your spouse, in this instance, is prepared to understand you and meet your needs. And you choose to spend your life with this inconsiderate moron, and possibly bear his children?
Here's what I say: I need to go to Starbucks and sit by myself with a chai latte and a vampire book for an hour before I lose my mind. Could you please watch the kids?
See how easy that is?
Do you see the outrageously simple elegance of honesty?
I mean, I guess he has the option to say "no", but then I would counter with, "Okay, that's fine, but how can you help me decompress after a day with these monsters? Can you handle dinner and bedtime? Or maybe you could take them out early tomorrow so I can get time to myself? I really need just an hour."
I suppose compromise is never perfect, but I would be embarrassed to admit that I had to lie about tampons just to get an hour to myself.
I guess I just don't believe in using little lies to get your way with the one person who should always be on your side, supporting you. And if you're not at a place with your spouse where you can equably discuss eachother's needs from the kitchen to the bedroom, maybe you should have a little talk about that instead of making up lies about why you keep buying expensive status bags. Address what's missing in your life that needs replacing. Find out why you need dishonesty when honesty would work even better.
I'm sure she was edging into hyperbole for a laugh, as all humor bloggers do. I mean, I know a blue and red toy dinosaur didn't eat my cupcake. I don't shout "Bring it on down to Omeletteville, JT!" during intimate moments. I may occasionally ham it up for my own, and possibly your, amusement.
But I think that much of what that blogger wrote, including lying to her spouse about buying bags, getting coffee, personal upkeep, looking at other women, going to the salon, and weight and attractiveness of both partners, is utter bullsh*t of the sort that makes all women look bad.
Much like Peg Bundy makes all women look bad.
And, at the same time, it assumes that men are idiots, incapable of understanding women or seeing through their petty lies. I, for one, would not want to be married to some gullible pansy who swallowed such utterly lame stories with open heart and wallet.
So, to step off my soapbox, I implore women everywhere to say what you think and feel to the man in your life. Ask for what you need and want in plain language without manipulation or guilt or anger. It took me years to figure it out, but I wouldn't have it any other way.