Wednesday, May 13, 2009

on temperance

D'you ever have one of those days where you just sit back and watch yourself botch things up? Almost like a spectator to your own buffoonery?

I had one of those days.

You probably have them, too.

Here's a picture that illustrates several of my current issues.

1. I didn't want to pay $60 for the haircut I really wanted, so I paid $35 for a haircut that is ridiculously sub-par. It's barely functional. I'm surprised my hair hasn't bored itself to death and run off with one of those Raquel Welch wigs.

2. Eyebrows. Pluck and separate. There should be two. Just like there are two very small people with constant demands who keep me from plucking my eyebrows.

3. New opal nose stud. I'm drawn. It's a little green and shiny, for an opal, and reminds me of those Twinkle-Eye Ponies with the glitter eyes from 1986.

4. I am wearing a maternity shirt. I currently hate all my clothes and am not that keen on my body. I wore this shirt to Jazzercise today to cover up my belly, which dangles unbecomingly below my athletic bra. I also forgot to take my shoes and had to Jazzercise in my mismatched socks. So that was mortifying.

5. I spend about 30% of my time nursing. It's a real time suck. HEY-OH! The botchiness derives from my lack of savvy in transporting the nursing snoozer to his room without his sister waking him up by singing loudly about Bob the Builder and sunglasses. Missed 2 naps today. Oops.

6. I keep forgetting to use my Crest Whitestrips. Because I hate them. Because they dissolve into minty plastic in my mouth. I feel like a rather stately whale, due to the ivory patina.

7. I meant to tidy up today. But I don't want to. Two sleeping children and a quiet house do not scream "get off your duff and clean". It quietly whispers "finish blogging, have a glass of Riesling, get in the bathtub, and reread the latest Charlaine Harris book because you read it so fast on Sunday that you forgot the plot".

8. Why is my child without pants? Oh, yes, because she had a huge temper tantrum and threw her panties in the toilet.

9. Kitchen. Needs more cleaning. See #7.

10. Laundry. Do more of it. This basket is in nearly ever picture I take.

And that's just a glimpse, people! I also attempted to go shoe shopping today, and my daughter had a world class hissyfit, her biggest one yet.

I was thinking about these shoes, except Dr. Krog once said that brown shoes on girls are ugly. What does that even mean??

And here is what sent the Biscuit into utter hysterics.

She wants jelly shoes and/or flip-flops. But since she never stops moving and mostly runs, that shoe would spell disaster for her. I am simply not spending $20 for a shoe that will ultimately maim my child. I was willing to offer her a choice between 4 different colors for the shoes on the right, but her choice involved leaching nose goblins into the carpet of Rack Room Shoes while wailing like a tornado siren, so we beat it.

Before the Rack Room Ragefest, I was talking to a momblogpreschoolfriend at lunch, and she was having a rough day, too. Mothering a toddler and a baby is tough as hell, and all I can do some days is inch towards daylight, counting the hours until bedtime. And I think that's okay. I get about 6 hours of quality sleep a night, a small and grouchy parasite sucks nutrition from my body, and I spend much of my day with a tiny dictator who can barely understand her burgeoning emotions, much less control them. Throw in a spouse, parents, friends, a diet, exercise, business pursuits... it's a great big morass of multi-tasking, brain-numbing insanity with no breaks or do-overs, and that's no joke.

These are in many ways the best days of my life, and they are also the hardest. Much like Prohibition, being a mother of two makes you want to cry into your amaretto sour, then denies you the amaretto sour to cry into.


ChicagoSane said...

At least you're wearing glasses, in which you look gorgeous. Take that as a rare compliment from yours truly, not an Internet-stalker sort of remark.

Some of it may suck now, but the beauty of it will be etched in your brain in years to come.

Carpe diem and all that mumbo jumbo.

Virginia Valerie said...


You're a hot mama, in spite of the haircut (which looks good as far as I can tell). Also those shoes would be good. Especially on you, because you have nice feet.

J said...

Having been exactly where you are exactly two years ago, I promise you, it does get better. And I still don't believe they were the best of times in any way shape or form. Isn't it terrible that when our babies are at their absolute cutest and cuddliest that we are too "too" to appreciate them?

Caroline D. said...

1. brown shoes are cool. not ugly at all.

2. i feel like a celebrity when you mention me in your blog.

3. you may have noticed the (massive, huge, unseemly) redness around my eyebrows that day...i gave in and had them waxed. Out. Of. Control.

4. I thought your hair looked cute, actually. but WTF do I know?