Friday, May 15, 2009

guilty pleasures

After a long day battling the blind and deaf appliance gods at Frigidaire for the immortal soul of my refrigerator, I was ready for a nice, cold drink. Sadly, there was no friggin' ice, because my 2-year-old fridge has a busted start relay, to the best of my internet sleuthing skills. Curses! Boiled again!

Luckily, Dr. Krog responds well to requests that begin with "I've got tequila, could you bring ice?" Or even just "I've got tequila". So he brought ice and mixer, and I mixed it all up and salted the rims, and we sat on the back porch and enjoyed the evening.

And it occurred to me that all my "guilty pleasures" as admitted on this blog are of the gustatory sort. The edible ilk. The masticatable mien. Which is to say that I adore food. But you know that.

So I thought i'd mention my favorite TV shows, which I watch at my parents' house, which is the way-station of my life. Their home defies physics by being halfway between my house and anywhere. Now, these are not the shows that I buy on DVD and watch repeatedly. They're not even the shows I discuss in public, with real people. No, these are truly "guilty pleasures" that I enjoy only when I am alone with the baby. Because t.rex doesn't judge.

1. You Are What You Eat on the BBC.

An insane little golem of a woman takes control of obese Brits and forces them to undergo all-celery-juice diets and workouts. The best part is when they (or a tortured and sadistic loved one) keeps a food diary for a week, and Gillian shows them the entire week's worth of fried goodies and pastries at once. Very good for making one feel nutritionally superior.*

2. What Not To Wear on TLC.

A gay man and a Jewish midget accost innocent people with bad taste, insult all their clothes before throwing their closet in the trash, and give them a fabulous makeover and $5000 shopping spree. The fun part is that I know all the rules by heart, but I still dress like I do. Jackets, slacks, and kitten heels just don't cut it for a nursing mother with a baby strapped to her chest who has to climb 3 stories up a play structure to rescue a toddler who's just had a potty accident. But one day, i'm going to pull a Stacy and Clinton on myself and come out the other side looking fabulous.

One day.**

3. America's Next Top Model.

I gave 'em nicknames. Click on the pic to get it big enough to ridicule. It's worth it.

That's right. You heard me. America's Next Top Model.

I know.

Shut up.

I caught part of a marathon for "cycle 10" and couldn't look away. It was like a nature show where giant stick insects battle each other for.... uh.... whatever insects want. It doesn't really make sense to me. But it's just surreal how these tall, insecure, manly-looking chicks get a little bit of hair and makeup and lighting and are suddenly bizarre, beautiful, fierce origami cranes.

I don't even know if the spastic flamingos up there are from the right cycle-- they don't look like actual people. But I can still make fun of them.

Other embarrassing favorites include Nanny 911, Whose Wedding Is It Anyway, anything on Food Network involving fabulous cake, Hotel Inspector, or The Show Where the Fancy Hairdresser Swaps Jobs With the Redneck Gay Guy and Hair Pandemonium Ensues.

Shhh. Don't tell anybody that I have bad taste in TV.

You know how easily i'm embarrassed. ***


* I know it's still food related. And I know that I shouldn't be judgmental. But, honestly, my Five Guys burger and fries tastes sooooo much better when I see that table sagging with curries, pastries, biscuits, and McVitie's Death Slabs.

** Dr. Krog can't wait to get rid of my pajama pants and ugly shoes. Unfortunately, he has no idea how much it actually costs for a woman to look put together and wear nice shoes. I think it's going to make him cry.

*** Not easily, at least about my bad taste.


ChicagoSane said...

I am extremely disappointed that you did not mention my older self: Anthony Bourdain.

Tis possibly the greatest of the food shows, and the man can dress and talk.

Boo! Un-follow! Boo!

And the top model pic? You have TOO MUCH TIME on your hands. Can you paint THAT for me on a wall?

Kelee Katillac said...

I understand just caught the finale! Preferred the blonde although winner was genuine.

Thanks for stopping by my place. Dig it!

Jadehollow said...

Happy Saturday!
Stopping in to visit and say hi.. You're ahead of me in roll call this morning.

Lynn said...

"But it's just surreal how these tall, insecure, manly-looking chicks get a little bit of hair and makeup and lighting and are suddenly bizarre, beautiful, fierce origami cranes."

Fierce origami cranes! Hee hee!

I accidentally watched that show when my first baby was nursing and I was trapped under her in front of the tv without a remote, and then secretly watched the rest of the series that year. It's like a car accident. You don't want to look, but you can't look away.

Virginia Valerie said...

OMG I love and watch all those shows too. And now you have turned me on to Venture Bros. We watched the first disc and loved it! Can't wait till the next one comes!

Also, most of my guilty pleasures are food too. Because I love it.

roseaeron said...

You're making me miss cable. We haven't had it for months to save a bit of money. I used to flip, land on these shows and stay for awhile. It always mortified my husband. They are oddly interesting.

Jennifer said...

I am guilty of being fascinated with 'Tori & Dean Inn Love.' I too caught a marathon one day and have been hooked ever since.