Oh, the Pet Parade.
When we arrived in our totally awesome condo last weekend, we were greeted by several fliers and pamphlets. The most intriguing of all? PETS ON PARADE & COSTUME CONTEST.
First of all, here's the front of the flier. It's cheerful and features the artwork of local children. Awwwwww!
But let's look closer.
And this guy:
And these fellows, with a URL so long that someone in Helen is still typing it.
And then there are the words. Oh, the words. Clearly, a little old lady somewhere got sick of writing Letters to the Editor and took up Publisher.
Also, ZOMG, ELVIS!
Anyway, you see all that, and you think, "Wow, what a cute, folksy get-together for the children of Helen! How innocent and simple and sweet!"
And then you turn the thing over, and you're basically Bitch-Slapped By Sans Serif.
Behold THE RULES.
They have 22 rules for the Pet Parade. I'm not going to bore you with them. Here's a quick glimpse with highlighting.
5. People without pets can come in pet costumes only. No other costumes allowed.
11. Float entry is for all people plus one pet for $10. Every extra pet $5. Wheelchairs are extra and must be entered as floats. Hope you're handicapable of paying an extra $10!
13. Wanna vote for favorite costume? That's gonna cost you $1. PER VOTE. What is this, Tammany Hall in the 19th century?
16. Must show proof of vaccinations. Hope you got that tetanus booster, great-aunt Arlene!
17. NO CANDY. Because PARADES ARE AWESOME WITHOUT CANDY!
18. Clean up after your pet. And your great-aunt Arlene. This is a no-poo parade.
So, if you can wade through the mile-long rules, which should be totally easy for the 3rd graders in the target audience, you're all ready for the Pet Parade and Costume Contest!
Which we missed, because were were at a parenting conference, learning something or other about being better parents. I have hand-outs and PowerPoint presentations, if you're really interested. But here's how I imagined it might have been.
1st place: Jorge and Senora Rodriguez
2nd place: Madame Wilhemina and Patches
3rd place: Princess Tiny Hooves
Honorable Mention: uh.... what the heck is that thing?
So there you have it, folks. When you're in Helen next year to enter your octagenarian Peruvian grandmother and her dinner in the Pet Parade, I recommend eating at the Huddle Haus.