Monday, May 4, 2009


As you may know, I spent the weekend at a parenting conference, where my cup was refilled with the overly-sugared Kool-Aid of motherhood. Or, in my case, the vanilla-flavored, unsweetened almond milk of motherhood. I've definitely had challenges in adjusting to being a mother of two, and I am aware of several areas that need improvement. So I attended talks on most of my areas of concern, from dealing with anger to raising daughters to "why 3-year olds are crazier than a barrel of mad badgers".

I returned from my weekend refreshed and anxious to be a better mother.

My first step was to buy the Biscuit some sunglasses as a peace offering, and the second step was to really listen to her, follow her lead, and provide the loving guidance and open attention for which she loudly clamors.

Lord help me, it's a lot harder than it sounds.

I have read more Clifford books than I can count today. I have played Airplane and Superman and Over the Hill and Clamber on Mommy Like Cat in a Bathtub. Finally, when she asked to paint, I thought, "This is something I can do!"

Paint pens are fabulous things. You squeeze them, and washable paint comes out. It's like magic. Staining, dripping, squishy, "MOMMY, I NEED MORE PAINT!!!!!" magic.


The Biscuit: Draw a car, and it's green, and it has wheels, and there is rain. No, there is more rain. Gray rain. On the windows, and the wheels, and the top. More on the top. Then draw a sunshine. There is also a pig.
Me: Can the pig wear sunglasses?
The Biscuit: Oh, um, okay. He is drinking lemonade.
Me: There is your pig!
The Biscuit: He lemonade is blacker.


The Biscuit: Look! I drew a heart! It is green!
Me: What a beautiful heart! It must have a lot of love inside!
The Biscuit: Yeah, and then there is a big monster with teeth and big girl panties.


The Biscuit: Now you draw a heart. A black heart. Wow, that is a good black heart!
Me: Thanks.
The Biscuit: Here is red. Now draw a birthday cake, and it has fire.
Me: What else does a cake need?
The Biscuit: A fork. And a guy to eat it. Right here.
Me: There you go, a fork and fire, and some weird guy chewing on the cake.
The Biscuit: Now draw me, eating the cake, right here. In a purple shirt. IN A PURPLE SHIRT, MOMMY!!! Also, my hair is kinda brown. Little bit brown.


The Biscuit: Draw me and Mommy, we are walking to Nirvana to get a ice cream. With sprinkles.
Me: Is baby brother with us?
The Biscuit: No, not brudder or daddy. Just girls. I am wearing sunglasses and a purple shirt with a bird and a umberellas and a rainbow on it. And still brown hair.
Me: What am I wearing?
The Biscuit: Sunglasses.
Me: Anything else?
The Biscuit: I dunno. Probably. Maybe some pants. Also, here is a purple flower.


So what's the final word on the Biscuit's artsy afternoon? Let's ask a critic.

FYI, bokeh is that lovely thing they do with grown-up cameras that makes the foreground crisp and the background delightfully fuzzy. I totally botched it.

Oops. Let's hope that the parenting classes got through my thick skull more substantially than the photography seminar, shall we?


jarvenpa said...

Oh, you bring back memories. I love your accurate detailing of this conversation.
And I love what's in your daughter's perfect green heart.

Tammy Howard said...

I am a-feared of big monsters with teeth and big girl panties.

Lynn said...

That was hilarious. It's given me flashbacks about days with my 5 year old, and is giving me terror about days coming up with my 2 year old. Right now I'm getting these one sided conversations: "Mommy? You know what? I have a question. Mommy! Today? In school? We had to do some colouring? And then there was no blue because Avery broke it and we all were like "Where's the blue?" and then. Oh! I saw a cat. Mommy! Did you see that cat? I wish we could get some strawberries. Did you know that I did a real cartwheel today but my head was right between my knees so it wasn't actually a real cartwheel. And today? In school? I spilled my crackers. Can I have some gum?"

I feel like my head will implode tonight if it doesn't stop.

Anyway, had a laugh at your post. You're one funny phoonser.

Captain Awesome said...

1. The biscuit is adorable.
2. Urfa just brought me sushi.