Thursday, April 2, 2009

ooooooooom la la


Yeah, that caption was going to read "ooooom", as in "the opposite of moo", but I couldn't pass up a Clerks reference. What can I say? It's a weakness. I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Today was Day 3 on the Dairy Revolt, and it's starting to be liveable. t.rex has only cheesebarfed *twice* in the last three days. Oops, make that three times. Blech.

Whether the lack of spewage is due to no dairy, no chocolate, no cheese, or me just generally being hungry every moment, my laundry room approves, as does my abiding interest in wearing jeans that fit.

And I have found 3 products to compete for first place in the Best Dairy Substitute Pageant.

Here's the first contestant:
Almond Breeze Almond Milk, Vanilla, Unsweetened
Pros: low calorie, low fat, decent with cereal, unsweetened
Cons: tastes like tan water, not very filling, expensive





Here's the second product, a foreign import:
Silk French Vanilla Creamer
Pros: makes coffee not suck
Cons: expensive, not as good as powdered hazelnut crap,
has that whole estrogen thing that could give my son bodacious tatas
if enjoyed too liberally




And, lastly, our third entry and first place winner:
Crazy Gorilla Non-Dairy 70% Dark Chocolate Jungle Bar
with Yummy Mint Thingy
(I dunno. Too many words on the wrapper.)

Pros: dairy-free dark chocolate with mint, relatively low fat and calories
Cons: very expensive, quite addictive, that gorilla kinda scares me



Crazy Gorilla also won another category:

With these three products, I think there may be hope of a dairy-free life.*

Well, not "life" as in "forever". More like a dairy-free interim. There is no way i'm giving up cheese. Or brownies. Or milkshakes. Or brownies a la mode after a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake.

See where i'm going with this?

Ahem. So, in conclusion, i'm having a great time at sleepaway camp, mom, and all the other kids are super nice to me. I am definitely not crying myself to sleep in my bunk every night while the other kids freeze my bras.

Ah, the lies we tell ourselves.



* I'M ABOUT TO CRACK, PEOPLE. I'M WASTING AWAY. ALMOND MILK IS LIKE PRICY BATHWATER. THAT PAGEANT UP THERE? THAT'S A FARCE. DRINK MILK! SCARF BRIE! ENJOY THE LIFE-GIVING PROPERTIES OF MILK!

1 comment:

Virginia Valerie said...

So hey, I was thinking about you and your milk thing. Remember my non-milk stint? It all came about because I became lactose intolerant via not drinking milk. I don't want this to happen to you. There's a difference between "I'm choosing not to drink milk because my otherwise happy baby will barf less" and "I can't drink milk or eat dairy, even if I take twice the dosage of maximum strength dairy ease pills, because if I do, I'll be trapped in the bathroom for two hours in horrible pain". One is annoying, the other is hopelessly sad.

I'm wondering if there's a way you can injest lactose, but not milk, during the next several months. You know, just to remind your body that you still need to produce the lactase enzymes. I'd hate for this experiment in elimination diet to result in a downward spiral of non-milky unhappiness.