Wednesday, April 1, 2009
o, i am bibb fortuna's fool!
First of all, yes, happy April Fool's Day.
I miss having the time and brainpower to really make April 1st miserably humorous for my loved ones, but let's face it: I am barely functional right now. Throw an extra variable into my day, and i'm a total spazz.
Which is what happened today. I was just a fool. A complete fool. All day.
First of all, I had to take the Biscuit to school, which means that instead of languorously gliding around the house in my wedding gown all morning eating donuts and having imaginary conversations with Winston Churchill, I had to have myself and both children bathed, dressed, and out the door at an outrageously early time. 8:45.
Naturally, I forgot that my child would need to eat later and packed no food.
Next, I left the baby wipes in my painting bag, which meant that t.rex's daily explosion was cleaned up with socks and salt-covered napkins from Chick-fil-A.
Then, I made the ultimate error, which Dr. Crog will never let me live down:
I attempted to change my own nose ring.
In 10 minutes, over my mom's bathroom sink, while her Chorkie licked my baby in the mouth.
TMI? Oh, it gets worse.
I mean, nose ring changing is tricky under favorable conditions. Removing a tiny, screw-shaped, bejeweled paper clip from the dark recesses of a slightly swollen, still-healing nostril and replacing it with a post the size of Tinkerbell's eyelash is an error in humility, futility, and, in my case, gore.
Do you have any idea how *tiny* this thing is? Lemme show you.
Here it is, being attacked by Hershey's Kisses, which are mad because I won't eat them:
Here it is, being attacked by a gigantic iPod Shuffle that chased away the Hershey's Kisses:
Yes, I know it's actually a Shuffle and not a Nano. I messed up in Photoshop and am too tired and lazy and bloody to change it. I told you I was a fool today! What do you want from me??
Ahem. And here it is next to t.rex's itty bitty teeny tiny hand, just because it's sho shweet.
Oh, and here's my dinner.
So, you see, what i'm saying here, is that it's totally not my fault that I made a huge, bloody mess, utterly failed, and now have a red, swollen nose reproachfully housing the original screw thingy.
It was really stupid of me. Very 1998 of me. Because I was *really* an idiot in 1998.
Then I went to the dentist and watched Fresh Prince of Bel Air while they did that horrid scraping thing. I have 2 cavities. The same 2 cavities i've had for the past 10 years, which is better than the usual prognosis, because they haven't added any friends. Life without Sour Patch Kids might actually be worth living.
And i'm brushing too hard.
And that Will Smith certainly has come a long way.
Oh, yeah, and i'm a fool with a puffy nose.