Tuesday, April 21, 2009

goodbye, fake boyfriend.


It's time for a small detour from my usual world of womanhood, motherhood, artisthood, cupcakehood.

It's time to say goodbye to my fake boyfriend.

Yes, I know, you've already heard me say goodbye to Heath Ledger and Jim Halpert and Justin Timberlake.

But now it's time to fondly bid farewell to Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

No! No! Don't say that! Don't say, "Isn't that the guy on The Tudors?" He's so much more than that! What about Gormenghast, The Governess, Run With the Devil, Velvet Goldmine? What about his young, vibrant, petulant films? Remember this guy?



Seriously, no one does petulant like the JRM. A fish couldn't suck its cheeks in further. And a fish definitely couldn't look so delightfully sulky. Dangerously sulky.

Sulky on a clock.


What time is it? It's JRM Rocks the Clock O' Clock!

"O'Clock", because he's Irish, you know.

But now. Oh, my poor JRM. Hugely popular. Cleaned up and shaven. Known in America for The Tudors and August Rush, my two *least* favorite of his roles. In his 3rd stint of rehab for alcoholism.

And the only thing worse than all that?

This.


Standing around, all clean cut, in stupid shirts, telling people in French to buy Hugo cologne.

Oh, how the sulky have fallen.

So i'm sorry, JRM. It's over. Our torrid mental love affair that began in 1999 with The Governess and ended last night with this ad in Men's Health. It's just not to be. I've been able to overlook the fact that possibly the four things I would like least in a man are petulance, alcoholism, cigarette smoking, and starring in August Rush.

But I cannot overlook the Hugo ad.

It's been fun. I'll think of you every time I see a skinny guy acting sulky, and i'll sigh.

I guess that's how a girl knows she's growing up. Her celebrity crushes fade, one by one. I still remember when I lost Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio, when they went from being really cute boys to grown-up men with problems and charity causes and wrinkles.

Yuck. They're, like, real people. And no one wants that.

And I don't really mind outgrowing my fake boyfriends, except I have this latent fear that one day i'll wake up and find Mel Gibson or John Travolta attractive, and then i'll know that I am an old lady, and i'll go buy some Aspercreme or Milk of Magnesia or whatever old ladies buy, and i'll sit around watching Grease and talking about how much I like a boy with a flat-top haircut and penny loafers.

89 comments:

charissimo said...

Conversely, I'm really skeeved out by old men checking me out (and they're the only ones that do anymore). I'm also disturbed when older women compliment me on my shoes.

You are totally right to drop that pretty, pretty boy. Ugh.

Tammy Howard said...

K, first? That second pic is almost unbearably yummy.

Second? (blushes and hangs head) I like John Travolta.

Third? The Hugo ad is unforgivable. You've done the right thing. That doesn't even look like the same man!

Jenny Penny said...

That "noon is quite painful" bit might just keep me going for the rest of my miserable, snowy, gray day. I was finding 10 a.m. so painful over here, but now? Now I have perspective. I've had to break it off with a few of the same celebs and then some. River Phoenix was the only one to leave me before I could leave him first. I tend to stick it out longer than I should, I guess. Like, I'm still hanging on to James Franco, no matter about the Milk...

Virginia Valerie said...

What?!?!?! The Boss ad is his best look! But then, floppy-haired brooding petulant isn't really my type.

Lynn said...

Ah that was very funny. I too loved the "Noon is quite painful" thing.

This may give me the strength to break it off with Flight of the Concords, both of them. I've had enough of nerd love.

delilah said...

Flight of the Concords-- is that the one with the guy with glasses from Eagle vs. Shark? Because he totally cracks me up.

EttyOop said...

JRM is so beyond beautiful... *sigh* I totally see how his selling out makes you give up your love for him, but that's okay...

I'll keep him happy. I like both looks -- brooding and petulant and long-locked AND the clean-cut, chiseled sexy.... YUM!

Thanks for the eye candy to make my day happy :-)

Lynn said...

The guy with the glasses from Eagle VS Shark, yup, he's one corner in my little love triangle! Well, ex love triangle.

Tricia McWhorter said...

Uh oh. Am I supposed to be buying Aspercreme and Milk of Magnesia? What the hell is aspercreme?

Maven said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Love you, love this blog!

Cairo Typ0 said...

I adore JRM!! They show that Hugo Boss ad here a lot and i always wonder what he was thinking when he signed that contract. But our love is pure and i forgave him. :p

Mary said...

Awwww, and I always kinda liked Hugo Boss. :)

Happy SITS Day!

cat said...

Oh girl, this si such a cut post. My fake boyfriend is Johnny Depp. My hubby and I saw Velvet goldmine on our second date - so not a good choice with orgy scenes and such. We were both too embaresed to ask the other to leave the movie. We still laugh about it today.

MrsM said...

My only celebrity crush has been Ryan Reynolds, and I had to (metaphorically) kiss him goodbye when he married my husband's celebrity crush (Scarlet Johanson).

Oh well-at least our fantasy people can be happy together just like we are. Right?

He's still hot though.

Complicated Mama said...

ahhh fake boyfriends.. got to love em

Yaya said...

You are too funny!

The Rambler said...

I love having fake boyfriends.

:)

Saw it was your SITS days so congrats and enjoy it!! :)

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I never had any crushes on actors growing up so no hard breakups here.

Elizabeth said...

I've been a big fan of JRM for a long time, too, and you're right, he sure has changed in recent years. Some of the dirty boy chic has fallen by the wayside, totally. I'm still happy to take a gander at him, though. :) Happy SITS Day!

singedwingangel said...

Ok I am able to successfully dance between long hair and clean shaven easily.. You don't like Johnny Depp?? Ahh come on he has gotten finer with age.. now if only I did lol..

Queenie Jeannie said...

Oh GOODIE!!!! Now I don't have to share him anymore, lol!!!


(please, please, please get rid of the word verification thingie!!!!)

Christine said...

Yeah, I can totally see how that was the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back!!
It was time to kick him to the curb, alright!
LOL, you are too funny!

Astrid said...

Your post just cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh...

Happy SITS day!

leigh said...

It hurt me deep when Vince Vaughn got all bloated and puffy.

BTW...I have a Blog crush on you!

Leigh

Sonja, Queen of Crafts said...

Happy SITSday - you are hilarious. Don't we all have our crushes? Mine is Keanuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. But when I read how you went off Rhys Meyers, I am wondering when I will outgrow my celebrity crush. Anyway, well done for liking an Irishman, though. I can tell you from personal experience - not with JRM, *duh* - that that is a feat in itself.

The Mommyologist said...

Too funny!

Angelia Sims said...

Too bad for him, I bet he has no idea what he is missing.

So who's the new guy? Inquiring minds want to know?

La Belle Mere UK said...

He's a beaut!

Happy SITS day!

LBM x

Kimmy C said...

OMG! You are HI.LAR.I.OUS! I must say I am still into Jim Halpert. He is such a cutie.

Creative Junkie said...

What does it say about me that I have no idea who this guy is?

I'm more of an Anderson Cooper girl myself. And yes, I've heard the rumors. That's OK - I like a challenge.

Kelly said...

I agree, you're right. As beautiful as he is, the Hugo ad is unforgivable.

Jane In The Jungle said...

Pic number 2...and what does his face look like...I'm just a little distracted by the land down under!!!
Enjoy your day!!

InspiredDreamer said...

Hey, happy SITS day!!! I love your post, super-funny. We all go through our fake boyfriends but I haven't seen anyone do it as wittily in a while. Awesome. :)

Jen said...

Happy SITS feature day, and the aprting with a fake boyfriend is often bittersweet, isnt it? LOL!

sweetjeanette said...

My how they fall! LOL Congrats on your SITS day in the sun!!!

sweetjeanette.blogspot.com

Karen@StrictlySimpleStyle said...

Good call, the Hugo ad makes him look like someone who would be caught on "To Catch a Predator".

Happy SITS day.

Morgan said...

OMG I LOVE THIS POST! I LOVE him too... and darn it all... what a sell out. I didn't even know!!!! I totally had a thing for Johnny back on 21 Jumpstreet... *sigh*

Kerri said...

Sheez. I feel old. Mel Gibson has been hot for like 25 years! I can't believe I even remember 25 years ago, let alone so clearly!
Stopping by from SITS!

Disney said...

This post is hilarious!! I have to admit, though, I had no idea who this was until you mentioned August Rush (I don't like that movie either)! I used to be so scared that I would grow up to be in love with Harrison Ford like my mom!

Rook No. 17 said...

Yup, you've hooked me for good SITSta. I like your wit, style and irreverant humor. I'm following. After all, I've gotta see who's going to be your fake rebound boytoy :)

Jenn @ rookno17.blogspot.com

lauren said...

is it bad i have fake boyfriends i thnk about when with my real one? nooo..i kid.
happy SITS day!

Joy said...

You're not going to like hearing this but I almost broke up with Ewan McGregor after I saw Velvet Goldmine. Hated that movie. {Plus there was another almost-break-up after I saw The Pillow Book. I digress.}

JRM has certainly cleaned up in front of the camera but seems to be falling apart otherwise. Him and his spazzy eyes worry me.

He certainly has taken a variety of roles over the span of his career. Did you ever see I'll Sleep When I'm Dead? I saw that some years ago because of my long-lasting, deep and abiding love of Clive Owen. JRM co-starred.

I'm going to stop now before I end up looking and sounding any more weird than I already do.

Congrats on your SITS day!

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

Was that ad in France? If not it seems really pretentious to me.

Heather said...

Ok...Seriously.."Noon is quite painful".....inspired...simply inspired.

I have never heard of this guy and I think Johnny Depp is cuter now than when he was younger. What does that say about me?

Where's the Aspercreme?

sigh

maya said...

Hahahaha! My fake boyfriend is William Shatner. Low standards even in fantasy land.

Michelle said...

HEllo???? Mel Gibson

Christina said...

I know it hurts now, but it's for the best. There are some things that you shouldn't sacrifice - like your self-respect - even for fake boyfriends.

Even sulky fake boyfriends.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

LOL! I'm so sorry you had to get rid of your fake boyfriend. But I'm sure it's his loss really! :) That ad is really icky though, I do admit! Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight.

Cheryl said...

LMBO again! Love your stories.

Shannon said...

Happy SITS day! The clock one made me giggle out loud at my work desk!!

Melanie said...

Love it! I actually had never heard of JRM before The Tudors and August Rush. Now that I see the pictures, I definitely think he looked a lot better in the past. Ah well. Hope you didn't go through too much withdrawal! =)

marit said...

hilarious. outgrowing celebrity crushes is one of the hardest things ever. nice to know there's others out there like me.

Sevibabyyy said...

I have only known him for the Tudors and August Rush, but I will admit I like him with the long hair a lot better. Adds a little character to him! Sometimes you just have to go your separate ways, I'm still holding on though. Going to read about Justin Timberlake....I can't let him go.

Brandi said...

You're too funny. He is quite a good looking guy though, but you're right: the Hugo ad is a deal breaker. Best to move on. If you didn't put your foot down somewhere, can you imagine what would have been next?

2busy said...

Hey, I like flat tops and penny loafers! ;)

Miss Know It All said...

hahahaha. I don't care what you say, John Travolta is sexy young or old! Once again, LMAO!

Alexandria said...

He.Is.Hot.

Sorry about the breakup!

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

When I break up with one of my fake boyfriends, I also take him off of the "list". The "list" being , a la a Friends episode, the top 5 men I have permission to forsake my husband with, if you get my meaning. (Wink!) Once off the fake boyfriend status they are naturally off of the list too. Sigh! The only fun is finding a suitable replacement!

Zeemaid said...

*LOL* oh my how the mighty have fallen.

I agree no one wants their fake boyfriends with problems and a reality like life. Give me the glam, the fun and the intrigue... for just a little while longer.

Kat said...

I wish my stupid computer would show me the pictures. Other than the noon is painful one. I lurve the Tudors. But it's Henry Cavill that makes my knees quiver. It's either that or the cellulite.

Alexis! said...

lol So cute and silly. Great post, had me smiling!

Sara's Whimsy said...

I have no idea who this guy is, but I'll take Johnny Depp any day of the week with open arms.

Stopping by from SITS - enjoy YOUR day!

Ma What's 4 dinner said...

I feel your pain, though I never out grow mine...I've been online all morning trying to get tix to my fake boyfriend Jon Bon Jovi's concert. Ugh! Cute post.

Alex @ www.mawhats4dinner.com

AmericanTribal said...

This totally made me giggle. But how could you give up Jim Halpert?! :P

Minnie Mama said...

I'm sorry, but I think he looks hot on that cologne ad -- I don't really like the long haired look. But thanks for a fun post -- it made me laugh! :)

McMom said...

This is so funny! I go throught tons of fake boyfriends, but I must know why you gave up on Jim? Is it because he got married?

tammy said...

yeah, my current boyfriend is Nathan Fillion...that might make me old. LOL Love your post. :)

Mimi said...

Johnny Depp is the one crush I haven't outgrown yet, rawr!

Katie said...

Will you hate me if I say I've never heard of this person...?

I laughed out loud at this post though...if that helps me get into your good graces.

Amber Page Writes said...

*snort*. that ad was a bad choice, for sure. I'm sure you'll find a newer, better (but not older) fake boyfriend that's worthy of you soon.

Midnitefyrfly said...

I don't watch TV (I know crazy, RIGHT?) so unless its splattered all over in suggestive online ads I don't know much about celebrities... except of course Edward Cullen cause he IS all over internet ads. So I don't even know who he is (gasp!) but he is hot and The Hugo ad is a direct violation of all rules of hotness.

Definitely anxious to see who the new rebound fake boyfriend is and figure out WHO he is. Of course unless he is Edward Cullen... see above lol

Charlene said...

I'm sorry but I just couldn't focus on any of the words after that YUMMY pic of JRM without a shirt. NicE!!

Mighty M said...

I've never found him too attractive. Hope you find your next crush soon!

Two Normal Moms said...

Oooh fake boyfriends are fun.
Enjoy your SITS Day!
***Ally

Miss Dot said...

Ha-HA! So Hugo was the final straw, huh? Oh, geez, you're 2 for 2 so far. Loving it!

I Wonder Wye said...

Justin Timberlake? Ugh. I guess I'm just too old but he has no discernable looks or talent. I loved JRM in Velvet Goldmine but it was mostly those clothes!!! Loved them....come to think of it, he does suck in his cheeks like a fish.....

Lanie said...

He definitely looked better with hair. ~Lanie

samsstuff said...

I don't know, he makes Henry VIII sexy. I didn't think anyone could do that! Still, there is the Hugo Boss thing...Maybe you're right!

Tiffany said...

I need to go read why you dumped JT, but I do understand this break up.

He lost his edge.

T

Simply Valorie said...

You're right to break up with him, but as an American I'd like to say that we didn't all fall into his posse with The Tudors. He was wonderful in Bend It Like Beckham and Match Point, and (of course) The Governess. The Hugo ad truly is awful and I hope he sees this and publicly apologizes for betraying your love so.

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

I liked him for about a second. Now Heath, that one hurt!

www.theunexperiencedmom.com

Unknown Mami said...

All fake relationships must come to an end. Don't worry there are plenty of fake fish in the sea.

Helen McGinn said...

I'm the gal who still thinks Clint Eastwood is hot (really)...yes, my friend, once I have an invisicrush, I'm in it for the long term! Shame on you. Shame.








Shame.

noisycolorfullively said...

I prefer lumberjack like men who look a little dirty, but aren't.

Clean shaven, sissy shirted, french speaking is a dissapointment. I'm sorry it had to end for you. I'm sure there'll be another love right around the corner. You know, you'll find Mr Right [imaginary boyfriend] as soon as you stop looking.

Heather said...

Hilarious! Stopping by from SITS. You have a very funny and creative blog. And of course, a beautiful family. Congrats on your SITS day!

Baby Sweetness said...

too funny - stopping by from SITS.

On old men - would Sean Connery be OK? OK, so he's getting a bit old and does have some very outdated ideas but those might be equivalent to say cigarette smoking, petulant sulkiness, etc.... It's not nearly as bad as starring in August Rush.

Victoria D. said...

You are too funny! I'm not feeling this most recent "boyfriend" of yours at all, but I do still have a crush on "Jim Halpert." I was personally offended when I found out he is getting married to Emily Blunt. Oh well...onto the next crush. How about...James Franco? :)

-Victoria D.

Meg said...

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... I'm sure someone else will come along. Just please avoid adopting a thing for Zac Efron. That may be unforgivable.

piecemeal people said...

I watched Season 1 of The Tudors, but never went back for more. It was like he was too crazy to be attractive, or something. Or maybe, in my old age, my definition of "attractive" has changed to "feels compelled to do the dishes if I'm the one who cooked dinner."