Children's TV these days is truly disturbing. No Smurfs. No Snorks. No Shirttail Gang. Instead there's a creepy little girl who sleeps with a naked monkey and a giant purple frog larvae thing with false teeth that holds children hostage. Yes, i'm talking about Dora and Barney. May they rot in Disneys foulest dumpster.
But there's a new kid in town called Yo Gabba Gabba that freaks me out even more. Here's how it goes:
An insane man in a tall, furry hat and a fluorescent orange jumpsuit be-bops out with a giant boombox suitcase full of creepy monster figurines. He sets them on a toy stage, and they come to life as people in creepy monster suits. They all have arm issues and just fling themselves back and forth while singing scary, nonsensical, robotic songs. See?
I think the only possible response to a picture like that is: WTF?
It's wrong on so, so many levels, and i'm usually wildly in favor of nonsensical wackiness. But... look at those freaks? Jim Henson is rolling over his his muppety grave to think of such monstrosities. It reminds me of the senior theses in art school where kids just try to outweird eachother for freak points. The red and pink ones look vaguely anatomical in a diseased sort of way, and the two animal ones look like something you'd see at a rave for furries. The robot is like a cross between a tin can, a banana, and Bender Bending Rodriguez. As for the dude in orange, I just don't think grown men should ever wear spandex jumpsuits. EVER. Especially in front of children.
The songs are like Radiohead's latest side project, if Thom Yorke was strung out on LSD-laced Twinkies. And all the children in the vignettes between the scary dancing monsters are wearing shirts featuring the scary dancing monsters, so you don't even get a break there.
I've seen it once, and i'm flummoxed. Who would write such a thing, and who would agree to produce it? I did not believe that something more ridiculous than TeleTubbies could exist. And yet it does. And children love it. And it makes loads and loads of cash. More than i'll probably see in a lifetime.
If there is proof in the world that someone has sold their soul to the devil, I think it is the popularity of Yo Gabba Gabba.
Oh, and Paris Hilton.