As our eldest child gets older and demands constant, slavering attention and roughhousing, we begin to see the wisdom in having a dog. Finally, someone else she can torture, crowd, tug on, narrate to, dress up, race with, and torture.
Yes, I said torture twice. That's what 2 year olds do.
But there are problems. Get an old dog and face ingrained habits, or get a young dog and go through all the training? Check out the animal shelter, or go with a fancy import? Who's going to take care of the inevitable puddles and loaves that come with dog ownership? (Well, that's not much of a question, because it's obviously going to be me). Then there's food, vet bills, what to do with the dog when we travel (once every five years), where the dog will sleep, whether we'll name him Keith, Leroy, or Killface.
But the biggest problem is this: what breed?
I love small dogs. My first dog was a Boston Terrier, and I think 15 pounds is an ideal size. The smaller the dog, the less food it eats, the less it puddles and loaves, the less space it takes up in the bed, the longer it lives, the fewer vet bills it incurs, the fewer chew toys must be bought and barfed up. I am a small dog person.
But Dr. Crog is a large dog person. His fondest childhood memories center on his old dog Bear, a black lab who embodied all that is good in good doggyism. He wants a dog that is sturdy, substantial, manly. A dog that will not only bark if someone jiggles the doorknob, but possibly scar the wood, as well as protect and love our children forever.
But Dr. Crog has never had to vacuum a large dog's shed-out, buy 50 pound bags of dog food while tending to two children under 3, or had to scoop up 13 pounds of diarrhea after a large dog eats a stiletto heel, buckles and all.
And I have never had to face one of my MMA buddies while walking a chihuahua on a glittery leash, so I can see where he's against the small dog thing.
And we both dislike medium-sized dogs.
He wants a lab. I want a pug. He wants a Doberman Pinscher. I want a Chinese Crested. He wants a Weimerarner, I want a French Bulldog.
And thus have we come up with a compromise. I give you... the DOBERDOODLE!
Or Poodleman. Half Doberman Pinscher, half standard poodle. It's the best of all worlds. The poodle part cancels out the shedding coat and vicious demeaner, while the Doberman part makes the poodle part less wussy. It's a big dog that we'll all enjoy, as long as Dr. Crog keeps the back fuzz trimmed to avoid doberdoodle dingleberries.
Or maybe a greyhound. Let's give it a few years.
I have enough crap in my life right now.
And by crap, I mean crap. Two kids. Seriously. That's a lot of crap.