Wednesday, February 25, 2009

conan vs. gordon in 9 rounds

Dr. Crog and I have some odd discussions, but our most recent debate was a spirited conversation about who would win in a fight between late night talk show host Conan O'Brien and reality TV chef Gordon Ramsay.

So here we go.

Round 1 - Oldness
O'Brien: born 1963 * Ramsay: born 1966
WINNER: O'Brien, for being very old, because I was born in 1977 and am a spring chicken.

Round 2 - Tallness
O'Brien: 6'4'' * Ramsay: 6'2.5''
WINNER: O'Brien, for being quite tall, although Ramsay is also pretty tall.

Round 3 - Cragginess
O'Brien: more pale and pointy, really * Ramsay: quite craggy
WINNER: Ramsay is one of the craggiest human beings i've ever seen on TV. Along with the Great Wall of China, his face can be seen from space.*

Round 4 - Hair
O'Brien: high, blondish, and floppy * Ramsay: high, blondish, and floppy
WINNER: Tie! Both men have hair that is quite high, blondish, and floppy.

Round 5 - Cooking
O'Brien: not known for cooking * Ramsay: apparently quite good at cooking
WINNER: Ramsay, because he is apparently good at cooking.

Round 6 - Cursing
O'Brien: helped write the famous SNL skit "Nude Beach", in which the word "penis" was said or sung 42 times
Ramsay: can't go 45 seconds without saying ballocks, the f-word, the s-word, or a made-up British word for "my aunt's stanky knickers". Once referred to a main dish at a restaurant as "donkey dic* kabobs".
WINNER: Ramsay, because the man seriously curses a lot. I think the BBC guy who does the bleeping drinks a bit, too, because sometimes he totally misses the choicest words. Poor Conan can't get very far with the FCC on his tail.

Round 7 - Toughness
O'Brien: Has several stalkers, one of whom is a crazed priest.
Ramsay: Fell 85 feet off a glacier while filming penguins and was under icy water for 45 seconds.
WINNER: O'Brien, because it's really creepy to be stalked by a priest. Water, shmater, Ramsay! Toughen up yer ballocks, man!

Round 8: Comedy
O'Brien: Wrote for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live before becoming a late night talk show host.
Ramsay: Humiliates restaurant owners and staff on television. Made one guy face down a bull with a red cape. Made another guy play cricket with one hand tied to his body.
WINNER: TIE, because I watch Ramsay during the day, and he totally cracks me up, while I haven't seen Conan since college because I go to bed at 10pm after putting up my walker and taking my Geritrol. Conan is probably funnier, but I just can't provide personal evidence.

Round 9: Appearing On My Favorite Prime Time Television Show
O'Brien: Did a walk-by cameo on the Valentine's Day in New York episode of The Office.
Ramsay: Has not yet appeared on The Office, although I have hope. Can you imagine Gordon Ramsay and Dwight having a conversation? Beets, ballocks, Battlestar Gallactica!
WINNER: O'Brien, obviously. Plus, he looked like Howard the Duck in a leather jacket, if Howard the Duck were 7-feet-tall and in a hurry in New York.

Overall Winner: Conan O'Brien, with 4, beating Ramsay's 3. I'm not particularly happy with that, because I personally prefer Chef Ramsay, but i'm not in charge here.

Congratulations, Conan O'Brien! You have just beat another tall, weird guy in a hypothetical and arbitrary deathmatch! So please add that to your Wikipedia page.

*I can't prove this.


EttyOop said...

CLEARLY another category is required. One which will once and for all show Ramsay's extreme dominance over Conan. Not that there's anything wrong with Conan, mind you, but come on! Ramsay is... well, he's Gordon bloody Ramsay!

M family said...

Apparently "Late night with Conan O'Brien" is no more :( ... glad he won!