Dr. Crog and I have some odd discussions, but our most recent debate was a spirited conversation about who would win in a fight between late night talk show host Conan O'Brien and reality TV chef Gordon Ramsay.
So here we go.
Round 1 - Oldness
O'Brien: born 1963 * Ramsay: born 1966
WINNER: O'Brien, for being very old, because I was born in 1977 and am a spring chicken.
Round 2 - Tallness
O'Brien: 6'4'' * Ramsay: 6'2.5''
WINNER: O'Brien, for being quite tall, although Ramsay is also pretty tall.
Round 3 - Cragginess
O'Brien: more pale and pointy, really * Ramsay: quite craggy
WINNER: Ramsay is one of the craggiest human beings i've ever seen on TV. Along with the Great Wall of China, his face can be seen from space.*
Round 4 - Hair
O'Brien: high, blondish, and floppy * Ramsay: high, blondish, and floppy
WINNER: Tie! Both men have hair that is quite high, blondish, and floppy.
Round 5 - Cooking
O'Brien: not known for cooking * Ramsay: apparently quite good at cooking
WINNER: Ramsay, because he is apparently good at cooking.
Round 6 - Cursing
O'Brien: helped write the famous SNL skit "Nude Beach", in which the word "penis" was said or sung 42 times
Ramsay: can't go 45 seconds without saying ballocks, the f-word, the s-word, or a made-up British word for "my aunt's stanky knickers". Once referred to a main dish at a restaurant as "donkey dic* kabobs".
WINNER: Ramsay, because the man seriously curses a lot. I think the BBC guy who does the bleeping drinks a bit, too, because sometimes he totally misses the choicest words. Poor Conan can't get very far with the FCC on his tail.
Round 7 - Toughness
O'Brien: Has several stalkers, one of whom is a crazed priest.
Ramsay: Fell 85 feet off a glacier while filming penguins and was under icy water for 45 seconds.
WINNER: O'Brien, because it's really creepy to be stalked by a priest. Water, shmater, Ramsay! Toughen up yer ballocks, man!
Round 8: Comedy
O'Brien: Wrote for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live before becoming a late night talk show host.
Ramsay: Humiliates restaurant owners and staff on television. Made one guy face down a bull with a red cape. Made another guy play cricket with one hand tied to his body.
WINNER: TIE, because I watch Ramsay during the day, and he totally cracks me up, while I haven't seen Conan since college because I go to bed at 10pm after putting up my walker and taking my Geritrol. Conan is probably funnier, but I just can't provide personal evidence.
Round 9: Appearing On My Favorite Prime Time Television Show
O'Brien: Did a walk-by cameo on the Valentine's Day in New York episode of The Office.
Ramsay: Has not yet appeared on The Office, although I have hope. Can you imagine Gordon Ramsay and Dwight having a conversation? Beets, ballocks, Battlestar Gallactica!
WINNER: O'Brien, obviously. Plus, he looked like Howard the Duck in a leather jacket, if Howard the Duck were 7-feet-tall and in a hurry in New York.
Overall Winner: Conan O'Brien, with 4, beating Ramsay's 3. I'm not particularly happy with that, because I personally prefer Chef Ramsay, but i'm not in charge here.
Congratulations, Conan O'Brien! You have just beat another tall, weird guy in a hypothetical and arbitrary deathmatch! So please add that to your Wikipedia page.
*I can't prove this.