Dearest Justin Timberlake,
I know that I am totally your dream girl and could beat Jessica Biel into a mound of pulverized, Flowerbomb-smelling blond shreds, but it cannot be. Although you have tenderly wooed me over the years through your hilarious appearances on Saturday Night Live and, occasionally, your music, I have pledged my troth to another.
I will never be able to Bring It On Down To Omeletteville.
I know. I'm a dark and offbeat artist who should probably have unholy lustings for Johnny Depp and Johnathan Rhys Myers-- dark, brooding, tortured types. And, well, I do. But Justin Timberlake is like my guilty little crush.
He's the Ding Dong box in the back of the organic vegan's cupboard of my heart.
Luckily, I don't think Dr. Crog is concerned.
Anyway, if you didn't catch it, as I did not, check out the YouTube video of JT on SNL with Beyonce in the spoof of her "Single Ladies" video as directed by Paul Rudd. PRICELESS.
You know, it's funny. I can imagine me and JT trying to have a conversation...
JT: So, I'm starting my own label. Do you like fashion?
Me: Nope. I think the models look like cracked out storks.
JT: Okay, what about hip-hop music?
Me: I like Gnarls Barkley. And Andre Benjamin. And when Cypress Hill gets angry. Oh! And that song you did with Timbaland was quite nice.
JT: Quite nice? Okay. Um. What about, say, BBQ and New Orleans-type food?
Me: BBQ is okay, I guess. But not so much on the creole. Crawfish creep me out.
JT: Wow. This is tough. Wanna feel my bicep and eat an omelette?
Me: I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!!!