Friday, November 14, 2008

I am a kraken from the sea!

So, yesterday, I totally lost my sh*t.

No, really.

After an annoying morning spent in my midwife's overheated waiting room with a frustrated toddler and nothing but Cigar Afficionado to read, I stopped at Kroger for some staples. No, not actual staples-- tea and frozen raspberries and the other articles without which the world can't turn. Don't be silly.

As we were meandering around the aisles, I suddenly started to... see things.

It was like looking at the world through the bottom of a crystal scotch glass, or looking at the sun too long and then trying to watch TV through someone's windows. It made me a little dizzy and nauseated, but i'm 37 weeks pregnant, so dizziness and nausea are squid pro roe at this point. Hoping I had just looked too long into the fluorescent lights, I finished shopping, checked out, and got to my car, where I checked my eyes completely. Everything looked normal, except for the bizarre flashing alien light disturbance, my glasses were clean, and I was about 3 miles from home, so I decided to just drive until the aliens took over.

About halfway home, I was getting a little scared, because it wasn't going away, and I watch too much House, and I was imagining myself in the pre-opening vignette, about to see a raging kraken rise from the moat of the castle on Cox road and then wake up to find myself covered in lacerations while suffering sarcastic verbal diarrhea from Hugh Laurie. Which actually sounds pretty good. But I could also end up at the business end of Dr. John Dorian and his manure-splattered hair if I went to the wrong TV hospital, so it wasn't necessarily the ideal. Anyway, I put in a call to my midwife and my husband and hightailed it home, safe and sound. I did not attempt to pull into my garage while seeing alien lights, because I pride myself on having both side mirrors.

In the end, with a helpful friend's input and some internet searching, we think it was an optical migraine. The midwife thinks it was a blood sugar issue, but the apple, cheese stick, orange juice, and mint 3 Musketeers eaten in the previous hour beg to differ. The visual disturbance continued for about 30 minutes, followed by 30 minutes of confused peace, followed by 30 minutes of an odd, hollow headache that felt like 1000 parakeets clawing my brain with their tiny talons while shrieking in Gaelic, followed by a metaphysical draining of 3 quarts of blood and a flu-like sleep coma.

In conclusion, pregnancy is WEIRD. Can we get the baby out now so I can be "normal" again?

Well, normal for me.

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