Did I tell you I had pinkeye?
Oops. My bad.
Turns out, i'm not the catalyst of the zombie apocalypse. I just forgot that I have allergies. It went something like this:
All day Friday
Me: THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE! GAH!
Craig: No, there isn't.
All day Monday
Me: THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE! I'm just going to squint like a pirate all day and wear my librarian schoolmarm glasses and drive without binocular vision. Omigod, my eye is so nasty red! YARRRR!
Christine: You look like a librarian schoolmarm!
Me: Shut up! But, yeah, I know.
Me: AAAAAH! MY EYE IS GLUED SHUT! WITH CRUST! I HAVE PINKEYE! I AM GOING TO BE A ZOMBIE! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST! GAH! I NEED TO SEE TEH DOCTOR!
Midwife: Yes, please see a doctor.
Me: But I don't like my doctor. I like you!
Midwife: Yeah, but the area in which I specialize is a good bit lower down. See a doctor.
Doctor: You don't have pinkeye. If you had pinkeye, your eye would be pink, the eyelid would be pink, even the skin around the eye would be pink. Just a whole pink area around the eye, really.
Me: My eye was pink yesterday!
Doctor: Yeah, it's not today though. Does it itch?
Me: Now that you've made me think about it, yes. It itches now. Is it pinkeye? AM I A ZOMBIE??
Doctor: No. Let me look in your ears, nose, and throat.
(Doctor sticks various pokey things in me while Cleo laughs.)
Doctor: You have fluid bubbles in your nose and ear and mucus in your throat.
Me: YOU MEAN I'M INFECTED???
Doctor: No, I mean you have allergies. I can even hear it in your voice. Um... so... were you aware that you suffer from allergies?
Me: Er... um... well... only for the previous 30 years or so. But before that, I was fine.
Doctor: Okay, so it looks like allergies.
Me: But allergies have never made me wake up with my eye crusted shut before.
Doctor: Have you ever been pregnant in September in Georgia during Global Warming before?
Me: Eh... no...
Doctor: Get some eyedrops and take some Benadryl tonight.
Me: Oh, no, I take Unisom at night!
Doctor: Oh, well, no wonder you can sleep. Unisom is also a powerful antihistamine.
Me: YEAH! UNISOM ROCKS! I AM TOTALLY BUYING STOCK IN UNISOM!
Doctor: Okay, good, then. Give us a call if you forget you have allergies again...
So there you have it. I'm not contagious, i'm just forgetful. And I am going to go take Unisom now. Doctor's orders!